Given the frequency with which infidelity occurs in our world today, it is not surprising that a significant number of couples therapy cases involve helping couples overcome the shattering interpersonal and intrapersonal effects of infidelity. Infidelity is the reason given for 25% to 50% of the couples presenting for therapy (Weeks, et al., 2003), and therapists rank infidelity among the most difficult clinical issues to deal with (Geiss & O’Leary, 1981; Whisman et al., 1997).

Of course, many couples never make it into couples therapy after infidelity has been discovered or revealed. Sometimes the relationship is over then and there. Most often, the couple tries to deal with (or not deal with) the infidelity on their own. However, many couples, often to their own surprise, do come in for therapy in response to this deepest betrayal in the relationship.

Perhaps even more surprisingly, in our practices we have found that many of these couples do indeed heal their Long-Term Love Relationship (LTLR) from the ravages of infidelity. Not only do they overcome the emotional damage and the shattered trust resulting from the infidelity, but they rebuild their LTLR so that it is much stronger and healthier than it was pre-infidelity. In so doing, they become closer, more intimate, and more fulfilled in ways they never were before in their relationship.

Definition of Infidelity

While there has been growing interest in infidelity and its effects on relationships, there has been little agreement regarding the definition of which behaviors constitute infidelity. A recent study by Bozoyan & Schmiedeberg (2023) addressed the shortcomings of previous studies. Their study provided a delineation of specific behaviors constituting infidelity using vignettes to study specific behaviors and whether respondents attitudes toward infidelity were influenced by the interplay of various described behaviors.  Their findings confirm that specific explicit behaviors such as kissing and intercourse are the most unambiguous unfaithful behaviors.  Although emotional and (soft forms of) online infidelity do play a secondary role, they appear as substitutes to explicit behaviors (p. 1097).  An additional finding was that emotional involvement plays a secondary role as long as it is not combined with other dimensions of infidelity.  Gender differences in the definition were small.  The authors concluded that infidelity research should include more than extradyadic intercourse as their definition of infidelity.  This study was conducted in Germany and complements the US research.  However, these definitions may not generalize to other countries. It is important when working with couples to discern their definition of infidelity as we have found a range of definitions between couples we have worked with.

Infidelity Statistics

Before we delve into treatment theory and practice, let’s look at some statistics on infidelity. However, in reviewing these statistics, it is important to remember that the numbers on infidelity vary. They are far from exact. Unfortunately, there is probably a great deal of truth to a point made by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair – if partners will lie to their spouses about their behaviors why would we expect them to tell researchers the truth (personal communication, 2006). That being said, although the incidence statistics on infidelity are far from exact, they are powerful indeed. Since we began writing and teaching this course, the research on infidelity has expanded. It used to be that the research was limited to the rates of infidelity, gender differences, and possible influences or mitigation by demographics such as income, education level, and religion. In the last ten years, the research has included looking at possible contributors such as culture, attachment styles, different types of infidelity including cyber infidelity, personality aspects of those who are unfaithful, and efficacy of therapy. Let’s begin with the rates of infidelity.

Rates of Infidelity

Although monogamy is the expectation of most romantic couples in the United States (Conley et al., 2013; Teas & Giesen, 2000), infidelity is widespread with estimates of lifetime engagement in extra marital affairs around 25% for married couples (Gordon & Mitchell, 2020) and up to 70% for unmarried couples (Wiederman & Hurd, 1999). We are referring here to infidelity as a violation of sexual, physical and/or emotional boundaries in a relationship.  Research suggests that sexual infidelity is a common phenomenon in committed relationships.  In 2017 Labrecque & Whisman reported using the General Social Survey of married U.S. adults, suggested a lifetime prevalence of approximately 21.2% for men and 13.4% for women At times the research has indicated that the rate of infidelity among married couples is quite high across the board – 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationships (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002). Researchers Blow & Harnett (2005) took a comprehensive look at prevalence of infidelity and concluded that in any given year the likelihood of a relationship suffering from an affair is low – probably less than a 6 percent chance. Fincham & May (2017) concur, finding that 2%-4% of spouses reported having sex outside their marriage in the preceding year. It is clear that estimates of infidelities are hard to determine, but we do know from experience that they occur with frequency and they cause harm. More recent data from nationally representative samples from the United States, Norway, Finland, Estonia and Petersburg indicate that 13.3% to 37.5% of individuals in romantic relationships (often cohabiting/married) report engaging in sexual activity with someone other than their current partners in violation of their monogamy agreement (Luo, et al, 2010). And research based on broader definitions of infidelity consistently reports higher prevalence rates (Luo et al., 2010; Weiser, et al., 2023). In a research finding particularly relevant to couples therapists, Glass and Wright (1988) looked specifically at the population of couples seeking therapy and reported that 50-65% of them initiated therapy as result of an infidelity. A study in 2007 by Frederick et al. conducted a meta-analysis of 50 studies and reported that 34% of men and 24% of women have engaged in extramarital activities. They stated that infidelity in dating relationships is even higher. It is generally believed that infidelity is more common for men compared to women. The most consistent older data shows that in any given year, about 10% of married couples (12% of men and 7% of women) have engaged in sex outside their marriages. The National Health and Social Life Survey found that 4% of married men, 16% of cohabiting men, and 37% of dating men engaged in infidelity compared to 1% of married women, 8% of cohabiting women, and 17% of women in dating relationships (Laslasz & Weigel, 2011). Other research reinforces the finding that men tend to be more likely to engage in infidelity possibly because of greater social power or evolutionary motivations (e.g. Lammers et al., 2011). However, there is growing evidence that women are now catching up or already have caught up to men in the dubious distinction of the frequency they are engaging in infidelity (Fincham & May, 2017). Infidelity rates also seem to change over the life span of couples. Detailed analysis of the data from 1991 to 2006 shows surprising shifts as couples age. University of Washington researchers have found that the rate of lifetime infidelity for men over 60 increased to 28% in 2006 from 20% in 1991. For women over 60 years old, this rate increased from 5% in 1991 to 15% in 2006 (Barker, 2011). Infidelity is the most frequently cited cause of divorce reported by couples (Schneider et al., 1999; Whisman et al., 1997; Winek & Craven, 2003; Fincham & May, 2017). A review of ethnographic accounts from 16 societies found that infidelity was the most common cause of marital dissolution (Frederick et al., 2007). Statistics from 2004 indicate that the highest percentage of divorces – as much as 27% – in the US are caused by extramarital affairs. Not only is infidelity one of the most difficult issues faced by couples, but it is also viewed by couples therapists as one of the most damaging problems couples face and one of the most difficult problems to treat (Heintzelman et al., 2014). An interesting fact about extramarital affairs and divorce is that the divorced spouse who engaged in infidelity rarely marries their affair partner, and even when they do, the resulting marriage has a significantly greater likelihood of ending in divorce (75%) (Pittman, 1989) than the general marriage divorce rate. A study conducted on a population-based sample of married women found that the annual prevalence of infidelity was much smaller on the basis of face-to-face interview (1.08%) than on the computer-assisted self-interview (6.13%) (Whisman & Snyder, 2007). This highlights the difficulty that social desirability factors create in researchers obtaining accurate data on infidelity. But these authors assert that, in any given year, the actual likelihood of a relationship being harmed by an infidelity is low – probably less than a 6% chance. But, over the course of an entire relationship, the chances of infidelity may rise to as much as 25%. While this can be a frightening possibility, it is a far cry from the 50% we hear so many sources asserting.

Demographics and Infidelity

Again, the research on gender differences in infidelity incidence rates suggests that the gap in incidence rates between men and women is decreasing. (Fincham & May, 2017). In fact, one survey study found there is no difference in incidence of infidelity between male and female respondents younger than 40 years of age (Wiederman, 1997). However, some researchers assert that men are more likely to engage in infidelity than women (Allen & Baucom, 2004; Atkins et al. 2001). For women, it has been found that they are most likely to be unfaithful between the ages of 30 to 50 years (Wiederman, 1997), while for men the ages of greatest likelihood for infidelity is between 55 and 65 (Atkins et al., 2001). Some studies indicate that men and women are unfaithful for different reasons. The 2007 study by Chapman University and UCLA analyzed results of 60,000 people identified as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, gay and lesbian, and found that overall, the men who cheated said they did so because they were sexually dissatisfied. The women overall attributed their choice to emotional dissatisfaction. The women were more likely to fall in love with someone else or look for reassurance that they were still desirable (Frederick et al., 2007). However, these findings are inconsistent with an earlier study by Sheppard et al. (1995), who had reported that marital dissatisfaction was the primary reason for both sexes to have affairs. This lack of agreement in the research may indicate that those who are not monogamous in their marriages may not be entirely clear about the reasons for their infidelity, or, as is usually the case, their motivation for being unfaithful is rooted in a combination of intrapsychic, marital, and sexual factors, as found to be the case for women in a more recent study (Messripour et.al., 2016). Additionally, women and men may vary in their emotional responses to their partner’s infidelity. Men tend to report more jealousy and distress and to be more threatened by sexual rather than emotional infidelity of their female partners, while women report more distress with emotional infidelity of their male partners (e.g. Frederick & Fales, 2016) More recent research indicates that gender differences may be decreasing in younger cohorts (e.g. Fincham & May, 2017). Research has examined the role socioeconomic variables may play in infidelities.  Opportunistic factors such as greater education, higher income, and employment tend to be positively associated with both engagement in and approval of infidelity (Atkins, et al., 2001; Treas & Giesen, 2000).  Other studies have reported various results about the role education may play in infidelity. Atkins et al. (2001) found that highly educated people were more likely to have affairs, and they concluded that there is a significant relationship between divorce and education levels, and that the correlation between education and infidelity is only significant for couples who are divorced. In an earlier national study Forste & Tanfer (1996) found that when a married woman has more education than her partner, she is more likely to be unfaithful in her marriage compared with a woman with lower education level than her partner. This finding bolsters earlier research by Janus et al. (1993) who reported that a respondent’s level of formal education did correlate with infidelity incidence in women but not for men, and that women with the fewest years of school and those with the most education had higher levels of infidelity than those with moderate levels of education. A more recent study suggests that individuals are more likely to have an infidelity before a milestone birthday- the “9’s (-e.g. 39, 49, etc.) (Alter & Hershfield, 2014). The study examined more than 8 million men who had registered with the Ashley Madison website, a dating website for people seeking extramarital affairs. In their findings men who were ages 29, 39, etc. were 18% more likely to be on the site than would be expected by chance. A similar though less pronounced pattern was also evident for women. Not only were “9-enders” at a heightened risk of cheating, but individuals in middle age are at a lower risk presumably because they have less time and spare energy. They are in the midst of raising families and establishing careers. Therefore, there is a greater chance of cheating with younger or older partners. When researchers looked at the effect income might have on infidelity incidence, they found a positive correlation between income and infidelity for individuals making more than $30,000 a year (Atkins et al., 2001), suggesting that perhaps higher income helps create more opportunities to be unfaithful.

Personality Influences on Infidelity

There is a long history of research on a possible relationship between personality aspects and infidelity. Early studies by Kinsey et al. (1953) reported that by the age of 40, 50 percent of all married men and more than 25 percent of all married women have engaged in extramarital sexual behavior. It is interesting that after three decades almost 50 percent of men continued to engage in sexual or emotional infidelity while 40 percent of women did the same (Lawson & Samson, 1988). Whisman et al. (2007) took a different approach and rather than report statistics they attempted to predict sexual infidelity in populations of married individuals. They followed the couples for 12 months and their predictor variables included three variables: involved-partner (e.g. personality, religiosity), marital (e.g. marital dissatisfaction, partner affair), and extradyadic (e.g. parenting). They found that the annual prevalence of infidelity was 2.4%. Controlling for marital dissatisfaction and demographic variables, they found that infidelity was more reliably predicted by greater neuroticism and lower religiosity in participants than other variables. They also found that wives’ pregnancy increased the risk of infidelity for husbands. In comparison, self-esteem and a partner’s suspected affair were predictive of infidelity when controlling for demographic variables, but were not uniquely predictive of infidelity when also controlling for marital dissatisfaction. Religiosity and wives’ pregnancy moderated the association between marital dissatisfaction and infidelity. In conclusion, the rate of infidelity was low; lower that the statistics cited earlier in this section. Contributors to infidelity included personality aspects of the unfaithful partner (neuroticism) while having a religious affiliation lowered the likelihood of infidelity. Research has also taken on the task of “explaining” why infidelities occur with certain people and not all people. A meta-analysis of 45 studies examined personality factors underlying sexual risk-taking behavior and that two personality characteristics were highly associated with infidelity: low agreeableness and low conscientiousness (Holyle et al., 2000). Their results have been replicated by other researchers (Shackelford et al., 2008) which not surprisingly strongly suggests that there may be a causal relationship between partners’ low agreeableness and being an unreliable spouse (i.e. low on conscientiousness) and having a higher probability of infidelity. A study by Altgelt et al. (2018) on personality factors and infidelity replicated previous research on extraversion in women and neuroticism. They confirmed a positive association between wives’ extraversion and infidelity (Buss & Shackelford, 1997; Orzeck & Lung, 2005; Schmitt, 2004; Schmitt & Shackelford, 2008), and a  positive association between partner neuroticism and infidelity (Buss & Shackelford, 1997). The association between partner narcissism and husbands’ infidelity was consistent with some research (Hunyady et al., 2008) but inconsistent with other research showing only an association among women (Buss & Shackelford, 1997). Altgelt et al.’s additional contribution to the literature was a demonstration of the associations independent of other personality traits, and that the associations involving wives’ extraversion, partner extraversion, and partner neuroticism emerged independent of relationship satisfaction. Mark & Milhausen (2011) assessed the relative importance of demographic, interpersonal, and personality factors in predicting sexual infidelity in heterosexual couples. Of the participants 23.2% of the men and 19.2% of the women indicated that they had “cheated” during their current relationship. Their findings included a questionnaire assessing sexual excitation/inhibition. They reported that for both men and women, sexual personality characteristics and, for women, relationship factors were more relevant to the prediction of sexual infidelity than demographic variables such as marital status and religiosity. As both men and women now primarily work outside of the home, it appears that this has resulted in increased opportunities for infidelity to occur. An article by The Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) states that nearly one-quarter of employees had a workplace relationship with a married person (Loveland, 2019). There is anecdotal evidence that the pandemic fueled an increase in infidelity (Gordon & Mitchell, 2020) and the means to do so has increased.  For example, there are dating websites, application-based platforms that include sites like AshleyMadison.com, ExtramaritalAffair.com and SugarDaddy.com, as well as online chat platforms that help individuals find partners. Gleeden is an app that was launched in 2009 and conducted a survey of women in the UK and across Europe and reported that 33% admitted having extradyadic relationships (Gleeden publishes statistics revealing who the average British adulteress is, 2019),  The app now has 7 million users in India, Europe, and Turkey and the number of users increased substantially after the pandemic lockdown in various countries.  Gleeden conducted a survey of Indian and British users and reported that 55% of Indian couples were oriented toward having extramarital affairs (India vs. British Indian community: contrasting attitude towards infidelity -Pressroom.Gleeden.com, 2020). Relationship stressors have also been researched as possible contributors to infidelity. These include low sexual and marital satisfaction (Bodenmann, 2005; Rusu et al., 2020) Other studies conclude that personal dissatisfaction with one’s life satisfaction may be the main reason for having an extradyadic partner or extramarital relationship (Jahan et al., 2017; Khorramabadi et al, (2019). Bleu & O’Sullivan (2024) looked at predictors of infidelity among couples and concluded that relationship factors are stronger predictors of infidelity than individual characteristics.  This indicates that when working with couples it is as important to look at individual variables as it is to consider and include relationship variables. Attachment theory has garnered a great deal of attention in the last few decades in the field of marital therapy. The original work of Bowlby (1940, 1973)) and Spitz (1946) and later the stranger studies of Ainsworth (1971), have led to the theory that the style of attachment one has as a child is predictive of one’s attachment style with an adult partner. Generally, it is believed that a secure attachment contributes to a stronger, more resilient adult attachment while an anxious or avoidant attachment contributes to a less stable and less resilient or satisfying relationship. In 2013 Russell et al. explored the effect of attachment insecurity on infidelity in marriage. Two longitudinal studies of newlyweds demonstrated that own and partner attachment anxiety interacted to predict marital infidelity. Specifically, they found that when either spouse was high in attachment anxiety (i.e. insecure in their attachment to the partner), they found they were more likely to be unfaithful. Interestingly, they also found a negative relationship between high attachment avoidance and infidelity. Their findings were robust as they controlled for marital satisfaction, sexual frequency and personality. Additionally, the findings did not differ across husbands and wives, and across the two studies. DeWall (2011) conducted eight studies on attachment style and infidelity and found that commitment-phobes, or people with an avoidant personality style, are more likely to cheat. And the findings of Altgelt, et.al., demonstrate that even predicting a behavior as self-oriented as infidelity requires considering the personality qualities of not just the betraying partner but both couple members. They found that wives high in extraversion and husbands and wives with partners high in neuroticism or extraversion were more likely to engage in infidelity (2018).

Culture and Infidelity

Often it is argued that monogamy is not a natural state, but as an article in Time Magazine pointed out, natural and worthwhile are not the same thing (Time, 2016). It goes on to state that “Perhaps because fidelity is quite a challenge, cheating is less of a deal breaker than popularly imagined” (p. 39). Pillemer (2015), a gerontologist who studied successful long-term marriages, found that a single episode of infidelity was not considered by many respondents to be an automatic end to the relationship, but there had to be reconciliation, remorse and often counseling. Studies have been conducted to look at how cultures affect attitudes toward infidelity. Thirty- nine nations were included in the poll conducted by the Pew Research Center (Wilke, 2016). The nations included the Palestinian territories, Turkey, Indonesia, Egypt, Pakistan, Lebanon, Jordan, Tunisia, Malaysia, France, Germany, Italy, Spain and Britain and others. Interestingly, it was found that the French were more accepting of infidelity than people in other countries. Just 47% of the French people polled said it is morally unacceptable for married people to have an affair. This was the lowest percentage among 39 nations surveyed. More striking was the finding that France was the only country where less than 50% of the respondents described infidelity as unacceptable. Forty percent of those polled think it is not a moral issue, while 12% said infidelity is morally acceptable, and there was a gender gap on the issue with 45% of French men and 50% of French woman stating that affairs are acceptable. Of the 39 nations polled, 79% consider infidelity unacceptable, including an overwhelming 84% of Americans and France’s Western European neighbors included 6 out of ten or more such as Germany, Italy, Spain and Britain. This belief is echoed in predominantly Muslim nations as 90% or more hold this view including the Palestinian territories, Turkey, Jordan, Malaysia, Lebanon, Pakistan, Egypt, Tunisia and Indonesia. Some cultures have adopted extreme measures to combat infidelity: female circumcision, allowing only limited contact between the sexes, and even death as a punishment. Other cultures view infidelity in a more nuanced way, and may not see it as a serious marital problem. Infidelity is clearly a topic Americans have strong and contradictory thoughts and behaviors about. While 90% of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong, 22% of men and 14% of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past. It appears we espouse one thing and often do another. Clearly infidelity is a complex issue to understand. Additionally, infidelity affects one of every 2.7 couples (J. Spring, 1999) with 10% of infidelities lasting more than one day but less than a month, 50% last more than a month but less than a year while 40% last two or more years. Few last more than four years.

Digital Infidelity and Its Effects

With the advent of social media and ready access to the internet via personal devices such as the mobile phone, finding a partner or relationship outside of a committed relationship has become much easier (Rosaline & Kasaraneni, 2024). A recent area of interest around infidelity is cybersex and cyber infidelity. Infidelity has numerous definitions, but a basic one is when a partner has an emotional, affectional or sexual contact or relationship in secret with someone other than their partner. In 2013 researchers at Texas Tech University looked at infidelity occurring through Facebook interactions and the effect on relationships (Cravens et al., 2013). The lead author of the study asserted that many people believe that if the secret contact between parties is confined to online activity, then it shouldn’t be as painful; however, the authors found that the emotional impact for the party who discovered the online acts of infidelity was no less severe than acts committed in-person. The author went on to state that because people have the ability to be more vulnerable online this facilitates a greater emotional response. Additional research on online infidelity has found that underlying problems are often present prior to a cyber infidelity (Young et al., 2000; Lewis, 2003) and these can include poor communication, sexual dissatisfaction, or boredom with the relationship. The authors also state that while the aforementioned are common troubles faced by most couples, the presence of such issues increases the risk of a cyber-affair. Other findings indicate that online infidelity may occur even in the absence of any inherent problems in marriage and among “happily married” couples (Mileham, 2007). Online infidelity has been identified by researchers in this field as potentially devastating to the primary relationship (Young et al., 2000; Cooper, 1999) and it is cautioned that it can become a major factor in deteriorating marital relationships (Barak & Fisher, 2002). Additionally, a study by divorce attorneys found that there is a high correlation between online infidelity and subsequent real life affairs (Short, 2015).

The Role of Nature vs. Nurture in Infidelity

A large study at Chapman University examined the psychoevolutionary perspective on infidelity; that is, the theory that we as a species are hardwired to be jealous and react negatively to infidelity as it threatens the security of the family unit and the certainty of the biology of offspring- the latter being specific to men. Men react negatively to infidelity as it creates paternal uncertainty while women face the loss of the security of the family unit, the loss of resources and commitment from their partners if the other’s attention is channeled to another mate. Their research was supported by similar findings in Norway (Pallesen et al., 2011; Bendixen et al., 2015; and Bendixen et al., 2015). The studies found that heterosexual men were more likely than heterosexual women to be most upset by sexual infidelity (54% of men vs. 35% of women) and less likely than heterosexual women to be more upset by emotional infidelity (46% of men vs. 65% of women) (Frederick et al., 2007). Frederick’s study included bisexual men and women as well as gay men and lesbian women. They found that bisexual men and women did not differ significantly, and gay men and lesbian women also did not differ. The author of the study summarized that heterosexual men stood out from all the other groups as they were the only ones who were much more likely to be most upset by sexual infidelity rather than emotional infidelity. Sociocultural perspectives have generally claimed that no difference would be expected between men and women. However, Frederick et al.’s (2007) study notes that men are socialized to be masculine and a partner’s infidelity would necessarily represent a threat to his sexual prowess and may account for him reacting more negatively to his partner committing sexual rather than emotional infidelity. In contrast, Frederick et al. (2007) assert that because women are taught to think relationally and to be the emotional nurturers in a relationship, if their partner commits an emotional infidelity, this may threaten her sense of self more so than if her partner commits a sexual infidelity. The authors concluded that an individual’s reaction to sexual verses emotional infidelity is likely shaped by both environmental and personal factors. Gender differences in this study emerged across age groups, income levels, history of being cheated on, history of being unfaithful, relationship types, and length of relationship. Factors such as age, income and having children were found to be unrelated to upset over type of infidelity (sexual vs. emotional); yet younger participants were notably more upset by sexual infidelity than older participants.

Infidelity and Health

Infidelity not only threatens the committed relationship; it also affects the mental and physical health of both partners. Infidelity is associated with numerous negative consequences for both partners.  For the partner who discovers the affair, Warach & Josephs (2021) identified negative emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and physical consequences, including feeling betrayed, low self-worth, alterations in core beliefs about self and others, and maladaptive coping strategies. There is research that indicates that the experience of a partner’s infidelity is a source of interpersonal trauma leading the individual to develop symptoms found with post-traumatic stress disorder (Laaser et al., 2017). The spouse who learns of his/her partner’s affair has an increase in depression and anxiety (e.g. Gordon et al., 2004). The partner who has the affair also experiences significant symptoms although the study of this is sparse.  The fallout of an affair is known both anecdotally and through research to have immediate and far-reaching negative effects on Long-Term Love Relationships, as well as on the children in the family, and often on extended family and friends. For couples who stay married even after an infidelity, there are mounting indicators that a long marriage is worth the work. Studies suggest that married people have better health, wealth and even better sex lives than single people and will probably die happier (Time Magazine, 2016). Most scholars agree that the beneficial health effects of marriage are robust: happily married people are less likely to have strokes, heart disease or depression, and they respond better to stress and heal more quickly. Mostly, the health effects apply only for happy marriages, but a study in May of this year found that men with diabetes did better even if they reported their marriage was not good. A commonly cited statistic is that 3-4% of all offspring are the result of an infidelity (Anderson). It is not clear how this reality affects the child, the biological parent and the knowing or unknowing other parent. A 2012 study on sexual and cardiovascular correlates of male unfaithfulness indicated because unfaithfulness has a variety of negative consequences across cultures, religions and legal jurisdictions, it affects the individual’s interpersonal, sexual and biological psychobiological, factors (Fisher et al., 2012), The researchers found that men with extramarital affairs more frequently have a dysfunctional primary relationship in both relationship and sexual terms as well as conflicts within the family. The researchers cite that few studies have evaluated the correlations between infidelity and cardiovascular risk and report that unfaithfulness in men seems to be associated with higher risk of major cardiovascular events resulting in a negative impact on morbidity and mortality.

Treating Infidelity in Same-Sex Couples

A noted shortcoming in past infidelity research has been its primary focus on heterosexual couples, largely to the exclusion of homosexual romantic relationships.  But this has been changing over the last 20+ years.  A study by Martell & Prince (2005) noted that despite the qualitative differences in role division and different views on monogamy within the relationship, the predictors of relationship success or dissolution are generally the same for all types of couples, whether straight or LGBTQ+, and that their relationships are anchored on the same principles (Gottman et al., 2003; Kurdek, 1992). A study by Leeker & Carlozzi (2014) researching the effects of sex and sexual orientation on responses to emotional and sexual infidelity found that sexual infidelity elicited more distressing feelings than emotional infidelity for all groups, and that women responded with stronger negative emotions to both types of infidelity than did men. Interestingly, they also found one significant difference in straight vs. gay individuals’ emotional reactions to infidelity in their LTLR. That is, heterosexuals rated both types of infidelity as more emotionally distressing than lesbian and gay individuals did. It is important that the therapist who works with same-sex couples not assume that monogamy is either an implicit or an explicit component of their relationship commitment. For some gay male couples, nonmonogamy arrangements are not detrimental to the primary relationship, and it has been found that sexually non-monogamous and sexually monogamous gay couples have comparable levels of relationship satisfaction (e.g. Blasband & Peplau, 1985; Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). When a same-sex couple comes to therapy for an infidelity, a discussion around their previous monogamy agreement, whether explicit or implicit, is essential.  We have found that the TRI approach to helping LGBTQ+ couples deal with and heal from infidelity is just as effective as it is with our straight couples.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

We highlight this question because it is one that we are frequently asked by our clients who have been cheated on by their partner.  Fortunately, there is some recent research on this question.  Knopp et al. (2017) reported that partners who had previously engaged in an Extradyadic Sexual Involvement (ESI) were three times more likely to report engaging in another ESI in their next relationship compared with subjects who reported not engaging in an ESI in a previous relationship. Additionally, partners whose previous partner had an ESI were more likely to suspect the same behavior from their next relationship partners.  While Knopp et al.’s findings indicate that previous infidelity is an important risk factor predicting a subsequent infidelity, the researchers caution it is not necessarily true that someone who was once a cheater is “always a cheater”.  This is where effective infidelity couples therapy, which delves into ascertaining the underlying reasons why the partner made the choice to be unfaithful is essential. It helps successfully assist the individual and couple to not only heal from the infidelity but also to help ensure that the partners individually, as well as the couple together, do not allow those same underlying reasons to recur and avoid the same pattern repeating.

Shortcomings in the Infidelity Research

Researchers have been criticized for the homogeneity of respondent samples in infidelity research (Weiser et al., 2023). It has been pointed out that samples are largely heterosexual, Euro-American respondents (67.77%) who are college educated, of higher socioeconomic status, and from Western countries (85.8%) Research conducted on dating (unmarried) infidelity has almost exclusively used college student samples and the research has largely overlooked the infidelity experiences of separated, divorced or cohabitating individuals (e.g. Weiser et al., 2023). Weiser & Shrout (2023) also criticize that the research insufficiently studies trans and non-binary participants and only 17.3% of studies included LGBTQ+ participants, and another 55.5% of studies did not include information about sexual identity.  Additionally, these authors note that mononormativity (assumption of monogamy agreement) underlies the work on infidelity.  They challenge researchers to expand the infidelity literature and consider the unspoken assumptions that likely shape their assumptions, ideas, samples and methodological approaches.

Healing After Infidelity: Effectiveness of Couples Therapy and Infidelity

Contrary to common belief, not every marriage shattered by infidelity ends with a breakup or divorce. A new survey on infidelity statistics found that only 19% of people who were cheated on ended the relationship immediately. Twenty-two percent eventually broke up because they could not get over the betrayal. (Penn, 2015). Surprisingly, this means that 78% of the marriages in the United States manage to survive an affair and save their relationships. If you look only at physical affairs, the survival rate drops drastically to 50%. Over half of the all divorces were initiated because of sexual infidelity (Vaughn, 1989). Another commonly cited statistic is that 31 percent of all infidelity affected marriages do not end (statisticbrain, 2016). We shall see what the academic research has found. Given the prevalence of infidelity, it is surprising that until the last 20 years little research had been conducted examining the effectiveness of couples therapy after an affair. Fortunately, research has begun on this very important treatment area. A flurry of research in early 2000 on the efficacy of therapy with infidelity has strongly supported the finding that infidelity couples who pursue marital therapy have shown strong improvements during therapy, including greater marital satisfaction, reduced psychological trauma symptoms, and greater forgiveness in the uninvolved partner (Atkins et al., 2005; Atkins et al., 2010; Gordon et al., 2004). Atkins et al. (2005) examined the level of distress in infidelity versus non-infidelity couples when entering therapy. Results show that infidelity couples began therapy significantly more distressed than non-infidelity couples, and secret affair couples were even more distressed. Unsurprisingly, outcomes for revealed infidelities and secret infidelities indicated that couples with a disclosed affair had a positive trajectory for relationship satisfaction during therapy and they improved at a greater rate than their distressed non-infidelity peers. Meanwhile the secret affair couples showed early gains in therapy but deteriorated in later periods of therapy and ended treatment highly distressed. Atkins et al. (2005) found that both partners in the infidelity couples achieved similar gains in therapy. In 2014 a study indicated factors that contribute to saving a marriage after infidelity. The study was conducted by researchers from UCLA and the University of Washington (Marin et al., 2014), and it very simply found that when the truth about the infidelity is told, the couple is more likely to do the hard work and recover their relationship in both the short term and long term. The study included 134 couples over the course of five years during which they participated in various types of relationship counseling. Their relationship satisfaction and marital stability were measured through questionnaires and phone interviews. Of the couples where there was cheating, 74% revealed their infidelity before or during the study while 26% did not (it was later discovered by researchers). This distinction had a significant effect on the outcome for the couples. At the end of five years, 43% of the couples who had revealed the infidelity were divorced compared to 80% of the couples whose infidelity was kept secret. The researchers speculated that the couples who dealt with the infidelity during treatment were able to sustain the gains made in treatment and thereby preserve the integrity of the relationship. They went on to assert that the confession of an infidelity versus its discovery may contribute to both partners being more willing to work on restoring the relationship (Hillin, 2014). Another salient and optimistic finding of the study was that the couples who experienced infidelity and remained married had similar levels of marital stability and relationship satisfaction at the end of five years as the couples who experienced no infidelity. This finding has been supported by a review by Lebow et al. (2012) of therapy outcome studies that indicated couples in marital therapy dealing with infidelity were just as successful as couples for whom no cheating was involved. Taken together, these findings strongly indicate that couples struggling with infidelity can be successfully treated in couples therapy, indicating that infidelity does not have to doom a relationship. However, in a couple where the affair has not been disclosed, pursuing therapy is contraindicated as benefit is not evident. Specifically, Atkins et al. (2010) found that infidelity therapy couples had the same levels of good therapeutic outcomes as did couples presenting for couples therapy for other reasons. The next step in research on therapeutic efficacy was to determine the whether the gains made in therapy were sustained beyond treatment. Marin, Christensen & Atkins (2014) followed up with couples every 6 months for 5 years and concluded that there appears to be two tracts for infidelity couples after successful therapy - some infidelity couples continue to improve and remain indistinguishable from their non-infidelity counterparts or some appear to markedly deteriorate and divorce. Marin et al.’s (2014) five year follow up study of infidelity couples found that while there are two tracts that couples can take – creating a stronger marriage or divorcing – they also cautioned that these couples have a more than double divorce rate compared to non-infidelity couples by the 5 year post therapy mark. This finding may suggest that clinicians stay in touch with their “graduated” couples and occasionally offer “tune up/touch base” sessions with these couples. Their findings also make very clear the limitations that an undisclosed affair has on therapy’s effectiveness. They state that “among the revealed infidelity couples more than half remained married by the 5 year follow up whereas only 20% of the secret infidelity couples were still together at the same point in time” (p.9). We find this supports our experience of couples’ resiliency and ability to sustain gains made during therapy, and the importance of integrity in therapy and relationships. Heintzelman et al. (2014) researched the hypothesis that committed partnerships can survive the trauma of infidelity, and that further, personal growth in the wake of infidelity is possible. Heintzelman et al. looked at specific variables that contributed to the survival of the relationship as well as personal growth. They found that differentiation of the self from family of origin was positively related to forgiveness levels, and that it also moderated the relationship between trauma and forgiveness. We are excited that researchers are demonstrating what many therapists know – that couples can both survive infidelity and create stronger, more resilient relationships. Blow and Hartnett’s (2005) series of studies indicated that many couples dealing with infidelity have a surprisingly positive relationship outcome. They went on to indicate that the negative impact infidelity has on a relationship can depend on a number of factors including how involved the partner is with the other person and the duration of the infidelity, the overall level of “pre-existing” marital relationship satisfaction, motives for infidelity, previous level of conflict, and the married individuals’ attitudes about infidelity. While Schneider et al. (1999) reported that 60 percent of participants in their study threatened to leave due to infidelity, the threat did not actually predict the eventual outcome in the relationship. Blow & Hartnett go on to cite some unintended positive effects for couples experiencing infidelity. These include closer marital relationships, increased assertiveness, better self-care, placing a higher value on family, and realizing the importance of marital communication (Blow & Hartnett, 2005). Recent research on the effectiveness of therapy with infidelity indicated salient factors that may influence the outcome of therapy. These include the couples’ shared history, relationship length, and sociocultural context (Fife et al., 2023). The authors recommend that therapists working with the impact of infidelity on couples assess the relative perception and impact of the infidelity for each couple, rather than automatically adopting a focus of relationship trauma (Baucom et al., 2017; Warach & Josephs, 2021) or attachment injury (Johnson et al, 2001) framework. Therefore, contrary to common belief, not every marriage ends as the result of infidelity. A perusal of internet information on infidelity statistics suggests that 19% of people who were cheated on ended the relationship immediately, while an additional 22% eventually broke up because they could not get over the betrayal. The statistics go on to state that 31% of marriages last after an affair is admitted or discovered (Infidelity.com). However, it is not clear what percentage of these couples benefited from therapy, and how satisfying their marriages were. Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic (2007) has suggested that there may be three kinds of post-infidelity marriages: those that stay together and the affair defines the marriage going forward, those that stay because they have strong family and marital values that outweigh the betrayal, and those that use the infidelity as a springboard to create a new, stronger and more conscious relationship (personal communication, 2013). So, simply put, “How many marriages survive infidelity?” Peggy Vaughan (1989) conducted a survey of self-selected respondents and reported that 76 percent of those whose spouses had affairs stayed married. Estimates from a sampling of marriage therapists range from 30 to 80 percent of couples staying together. Infidelity does not have to spell the end of a relationship. Couples can work through an infidelity, rebuild and create a more stable, satisfying, and intimate relationship. This finding is reinforced by Lebow et al.s’ (2012) research indicating that infidelity couples were just as successful as non-cheating couples in therapy outcome. It is important when you work with these clients that you have a clear understanding of what contributes to infidelities as well as a clear method for assisting your clients through the work of recovering from the pain and relationship breach. Though couples can indeed overcome infidelity, they are challenging to work successfully with for therapists. It is vital that the therapist see and attend to the traumatic impact of the infidelity on both partners (Negash et.al., 2020). Since infidelity is one of, if not the most frequently cited causes of relationship dissolution, it is essential that therapists are trained to help couples deal with what most commonly is a devastating personal and relational experience. This requires that the therapist be aware of his/her attitude toward infidelity. Garza (2020) reported that the therapist’s attitude can influence their treatment decisions and that without sufficient training, the therapist can focus on prevention rather than addressing the harm, the reasons for the individual’s choices, and other such processes that have contributed to the couple’s presenting problems. When recognizing that infidelity can affect any relationship, working with the pain of the people in the room with a realistic and empathic frame of reference is essential. Risk factors to a marriage having an infidelity include ongoing unresolved problems in the relationship, an avoidance of problems, and an inability to resolve those differences. Many marriage therapists indicate that the highest risk of infidelity occurs when couples are no longer in sync sexually or emotionally (Cravens, 2010; Nelson et.al., 2005). You want to assist your clients in choosing which group they eventually want to be: those who survive and stay married, those who maintain their values, or those who grow and reinvent themselves in a more resilient marriage. Now that the field is recognizing the importance of research in the field of infidelity and with therapy with these couples, there are more specific training opportunities for therapists in infidelity couples therapy. Most recently, this topic of how to work with these couples effectively has garnered more attention specifically at professional conferences where this topic is being taught and greater training opportunities are beginning to appear. Nevertheless, there continues to be a paucity of effective therapy models for helping these couples who come to us in intense crisis, marked by acute pain, rage and fear. Clearly more research and training are needed for us to effectively serve this population. This becomes especially clear when one considers the aforementioned statistics indicating the high incidence rates of infidelity in our culture. Those statistics are powerful. They’re daunting. They can be depressing. They tell us a great deal about our culture and ourselves. Perhaps most of all they speak to us of the dramatic difficulties human beings have in maintaining a satisfying Long-term Love Relationship. Many, if not a majority of people do not know how to create and maintain this primary and significant connection, and as a result, many partners, when faced with the difficulties inherent in every relationship, act out by being unfaithful. So, when these couples walk into our offices trying to save their marriages, once it has been established that both partners are sincere in their commitment to their relationship, our job is twofold – the healing and then the rebuilding of the relationship. We guide them in the often painful, often hostile, and often frightening process of healing after infidelity. During and alongside this process, we also work to provide them the insight, tools, and corrective intimacy experience that enable them to build a new love relationship with each other, one that does satisfy and fulfill them for the long-term, and one that is no longer so vulnerable to infidelity. To describe how we do this, it makes the most sense to begin by laying out the theoretical framework we use to illuminate the workings of Long-term Love Relationships. Then we will present our model for understanding and assessing infidelity. Following this presentation of how we understand both LTLRs and infidelity, we will detail the treatment strategies, tools, and issues that we use to assist couples grappling with infidelity to heal and to rebuild their love relationship. As your read, please keep in mind that we have found that this model applies both to heterosexual as well as homosexual couples in today’s American, Western culture. Though there are distinct differences in the dynamics and stresses that straight couples typically experience as opposed to gay and lesbian couples, the dynamics of Long-term Love Relationships, as delineated by this model, apply regardless of the sexual orientation of the couple. Our experience working with both groups has taught us that the experience of infidelity and the process through which couples heal from it differs little across these populations.

Theory: The TRI Model of Long-Term Love Relationships

In order for any couples therapist to effectively help couples to work through short-term crises as well as create long-term positive change in their relationships, the therapist must have a heuristic model that provides them with a conceptual framework with which to evaluate and understand each couple’s Long-term Love Relationship. Without such a framework, it is much more difficult for the therapist to make sense of the couple’s situation and to be able to guide them on their journey. From our training and clinical experience, we have developed The Relationship Institute’s (TRI) Model of Long-term Love Relationships that we find to be invaluable in assisting couples to achieve their goals in therapy. It consists of two main constructs, The Developmental Model of Long-term Love Relationships and The Three Intimacies. We also use an ancillary construct, The Three Deal Breakers, in evaluating couples and the prognosis for their LTLR both at the inception of the course of couples therapy and periodically thereafter.

The TRI Developmental Model of Long-term Love Relationships

The TRI Developmental Model of Long-term Love Relationships is the approach we take to understanding the stages of growth and change that any romantic relationship experiences. Essentially, this model describes the stages of love that every relationship will face, and helps the therapist determine where a couple’s relationship structural weaknesses began. Our model emphasizes the central role individual differentiation plays in creating the growing pains that cause a relationship to inevitably alter. Our Developmental Model of Long-term Love Relationships (LTLR) is a modification of the work of Bader and Pearson (1989, 2002) as it defines four stages of growth; we specify that every infidelity is born in a specific stage of relationship growth, Soured Symbiosis. But, before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s examine the developmental model of LTLRs. LTLRs grow and develop over time, just as individuals do. Moreover, just like individuals, they go through definable, predictable stages of growth that are marked by beginnings, endings, and recognizable characteristics. We’ve found that you can’t come close to having insight into what is going on in a LTLR if you don’t understand the growth process that all LTLRs go through. Without knowing where a couple is in the lifespan of its LTLR, you’re handicapped in understanding what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. Conceptually, the developmental model is elegant in its simplicity. As we define it, this model has three main elements. First is that it is a developmental model of long-term love relationships (Bader & Pearson, 1989). Second, this development revolves around the process of growth in the couple from symbiotic to differentiated functioning (Bader & Pearson, 1989; Bowen, 1974). The third element is the Three Intimacies concept (Solomon & Teagno, 2002). We assert that there are three types of intimacy that govern any couple’s progress, or lack thereof, in navigating from symbiotic to differentiated functioning. Therapists need to have an understanding that couples go through a developmental process just as individuals do; this concept is central to the developmental model. As we conceptualize it, this process consists of four developmental stages (Solomon & Teagno, 2002).

Stage1: Sweet Symbiosis

Stage 1 is what we call Sweet Symbiosis, the honeymoon phase at the beginning of a love relationship. It is filled with love and passion and marked by the two partners merging into one identity, or what we half-jokingly refer to as the “we-ness.” This is symbiotic functioning at its intoxicating best. This symbiotic magic is what many couples try in vain to recapture for many years hence. But what is “symbiosis”? The dictionary defines it as “the living together in more or less intimate association or close union of two dissimilar organisms,” or more specifically for our purposes, “a relationship between two people in which each person is dependent upon the receiving reinforcement, whether beneficial or detrimental, from the other” (Random House Dictionary, 1987). So, symbiosis is about dependency. Dependency and symbiosis get a bad rap; we are all dependent beings to one extent or another. Overdependency isn’t good, but dependency is normal and healthy for us humans. In fact, each of us is driven at a very deep, instinctual level to bond with another – to create this dependency and to build this symbiosis. It is rooted in evolution, and in how we perpetuated and guaranteed the survival of our species over the ages. It’s easy to see that the survival of the species, in Homo sapiens as well as many other species, is greatly enhanced if two adults not only mate but also remain bonded to each other at least for some period of time. This enhances the survival chances of their young since two adults working together can provide caring, safety, and sustenance at a much higher level than can a sole parent. In humans, emotions such as love and jealousy have evolved to help cement this bond. Symbiosis is a key ingredient in the experience of falling in love. During Sweet Symbiosis, the bond that is created causes us to minimize our differences and overlook what each of us doesn’t like in the other. This is the meaning of the famous saying, “Love is blind.” You don’t truly “see” each other. This magical time, one of the most wonderful experiences in anyone’s life, is almost always essential for long-term love success. It creates the deep, strong bond that will be necessary if the couple is to weather the inevitable storms ahead. Those storms make their first appearance in the lifespan of the LTLR when differences and conflicts begin to occur between partners. This dispels the blindness of a couple’s sweet symbiotic love. This is what heralds the end of Sweet Symbiosis. When the fantasy component inherent in two people falling in love starts to butt up against the reality of their real weaknesses, mistakes, and differences, Stage 1 comes to a close. It is very important, however, to note that even though this first, romantic stage of LTLRs may be partly based on fantasy, and though it may be relatively short, it is a very healthy, wonderful, and very vital part of any successful LTLR. The deep and fulfilling joy that two people experience as they fall in love is the strong foundation that all LTLRs need in order to build a strong future. The experience of Sweet Symbiosis creates a deep wellspring of strength in the young relationship and becomes a reservoir of hope and faith for the growing, challenged relationship. The bonding and commitment that Sweet Symbiosis provides are absolutely necessary for any couple in order to have any chance of weathering the inevitable storms that hit later in the life of the LTLR. Challenges do lie ahead, starting with Stage 2.

Stage 2: Soured Symbiosis

The honeymoon never lasts forever. No Long-term Love Relationship is able to perpetually maintain itself in the blissfulness of Sweet Symbiosis. The wonders of Stage 1 are unsustainable for ALL couples, no matter how well matched. Over time, the couple is able to see one another more realistically as the Sweet Symbiosis recedes and their differences emerge. When this happens, hurts and disappointments occur. With the emergence of reality, love is no longer “blind” and the honeymoon of Stage 1 is ending. The emergence of the awareness of differences and their attendant tension marks the beginning of Stage 2, what we call Soured Symbiosis. This is where most couples get stuck in the growth and development of their LTLR. Most couples that come to see us have experienced their relationship getting arrested in Soured Symbiosis and unable to find their way out of it. There is one very simple reason for this. Many, if not most of us, never learned how to develop good, healthy emotional intimacy with another. Most of us never learned how to really be close to another person not only in regards to positive, warm, and loving feelings but also with negative, painful, and angry feelings. This lack of learning is a result of both inexperience and the limitations that our early attachment styles have placed on each of us. Now, most of us have at least some ability to be loving and happy with another, and to express and share these emotions in a way that feels good to our partners. However, it is much more difficult and much rarer for a person to be good at dealing with hurts, disappointments, and angers in a healthy way. It is rarer still for a person to be good at this as well as be good at dealing with one partner’s negative feelings toward the other. As Sweet Symbiosis fades, and differences and conflicts emerge between two people in love, many of their LTLRs begin to become structurally stressed as they move into the stage of Soured Symbiosis. This stage is called “Soured Symbiosis” because it is marked and defined by the conflicts that couples start to have and the hard feelings that those conflicts generate once Sweet Symbiosis starts to fade. It is marked by the couple’s struggle to develop the ability to be highly intimate once the blinders of the lost and lamented Sweet Symbiosis have vanished. Many marriages never get beyond Soured Symbiosis. Instead of fighting for the relationship, one or both partners either run away through infidelity and/or divorce, or they settle for a stagnated relationship that has failed its promise.

The Ruts of Soured Symbiosis

There are two main styles of toxic conflict process. They are what Bader and Pearson term the Conflict Avoidant and Hostile Dependent styles (Bader & Pearson, 1988). Simply put, couples either brush their conflict under the rug or they beat each other over the head with them. The Conflict Avoidant couple often appears well suited to one another, and are often envied by other couples for their “friendship” and ease of relating; however, beneath the placid surface lies a deep fear in both partners of conflict, differences, and tension. It is likely that both come from families that did not encourage the expression of feelings and the children learned early on how to comfort themselves when they had any type of negative or uncomfortable feeling by withdrawing or busying themselves with other activities or distractions. These individuals do not know how to ask for help, as they often do not know what they are specifically feeling. As adults, they can identify frustration, disappointment, and maybe anger but other more subtle emotions are unfamiliar to them. These couples eventually come to therapy because the passion of interests, sexuality, and fun are gone. We often refer to them as “brother-sister” marriages. The Hostile Dependent couple generally finds conflict to be the most reliable and “safe” means of “connecting”. These partners likely came from families where there was overt, expressed conflict and the children would often be brought into the fray. As children, they learned to cope by becoming “false emotional adults” as they parried negative words in an attempt to self-defend and comfort. These individuals also do not know how to ask for the kind of help or assistance that they need, and fear that admitting they have needs will bring them humiliation or at least into a light they would rather avoid. These couples will argue as a way to be “seen” but, in reality, each is making only a stab at asserting a small part of themselves. They lead with anger but are not able to identify and offer that they are experiencing strong vulnerable feelings like fear, love, and need. Thus, the fighting continues as it maintains for each partner a familiar yet non-vulnerable way to stay connected. This connection feels fragile to many therapists, but it has the tensile strength of a spider’s web and is just as deadly when the arguments become heated and very personal. Both of these types of maladaptive conflict process couples are unable to transition from Soured Symbiosis to Differentiation. We will talk more about how to help these couples break out of their arrested and toxic conflict process later in the section on The Three Intimacies.

Understanding Soured Symbiosis is Pivotal for the Couple and the Therapist

It is very important to realize that while this stage in the growth of LTLRs can be difficult and painful at times, it is a normal phase of all LTLRs. It is a key transitional period for any LTLR. That is, whether a couple successfully navigates past Soured Symbiosis is the acid test for whether an LTLR is going to be able to last over the long-run, and not just last, but thrive and be a healthy and fulfilling union. This is where that emotional intimacy comes in. It is the fuel that gets couples through the second stage of their LTLR. What we mean is that the couple gets good at communicating and at dealing with their feelings, positive and negative. Moreover, communication isn’t only about talking. It is also about acting – how you treat each other. It’s doing and saying things that make each other feel loved, respected, and appreciated. But most often, the problems arise not in making your partner feel loved, but in dealing with him when differences and conflicts occur. There are two main ways that couples get into trouble here. They settle into one of two maladaptive patterns (conflict avoidance or hostile dependence) when dealing with the conflicts between them and, in so doing, get stuck in Soured Symbiosis which prevents them from moving forward in the growth of their LTLR.

Stage 3: Differentiation

A foundation of the TRI approach to couples therapy is educating clients about normal relationship growth, the inevitability of the tension of conflict, and the courage required of every partner to stretch themselves to grow in order to be able to have the type of relationship they desire and value. Of course, such growth is not easy. However, as we show couples where they are stuck in their relationship’s growth and help normalize their growing pains, we begin to help them understand the necessity of that growth. Growth, whether psychological, physical or spiritual, always includes some element of pain or discomfort. It is the therapist’s job to help each of the partners approach the part they play in their LTLR’s problems with an attitude of curiosity rather than blame, fear, or avoidance. As we assist our clients in understanding that growth holds promise for both of them, we also talk about the challenge to them of remaining connected in the unfamiliar and often scary process of LTLR growth. Normalizing their fears and the inherent difficulties of growth and change helps partners calm themselves and offer security to one another. When clients are able to feel the discomfort yet stay in it and stay connected to their partner marks the very early beginnings of the process of differentiation. When both partners truly come to own their part in the relationship’s problems and sincerely works on those issues and weaknesses, the couple approaches Stage 3 of Long-term Love Relationship development, Differentiation. This is the stage where each partner struggles within the self and with the partner to learn how to deal with the dark side of passion. The key is being able to stay differentiated in conflict, to be able to hold onto the realization that the partner’s negative feelings, his or her hurt, disappointment, and anger is about the partner, not about ME. As Pete Pearson likes to say, this is all about being able to be “curious, not furious” (personal communication, 1996). Also vital to differentiation is the ability to self define, to hold onto one’s self in the face of the tension of conflict and to be able to stand up for one’s self constructively and effectively (Bader & Pearson, 1988; Bowen, 1974). It is important to recognize and teach clients that as they enter the Differentiation stage they have begun to build into their LTLR the ability to deal well with their differences. It signifies that they are developing the true emotional intimacy that powers Long-term Love Relationship fulfillment. But what IS differentiation? It is defined as the ability to experience difference; that is, the self in relation to, but separate from, everyone else (Roberto-Forman, 2002). The differentiated self is able to hold onto one’s sense of self, one’s values, feelings, ideas, and desires while facing the tension that is created when the other disagrees. In the face of this tension, each individual who is differentiated can maintain his or her perspective and attendant feelings while simultaneously respecting, though not necessarily agreeing, with the views of the other. “Differentiation includes the ability to distinguish one’s internal emotions and thought, to identify them as separate from those of others, and also to maintain one’s own observations and judgment when there is conflict” (Roberto-Forman, 2002). As mentioned earlier, Heintzelman et al. (2014) found that a partner’s differentiation was a significant predictor of an individual’s ability to forgive their partner. The researchers went on to note that individuals with higher levels of differentiation reported more forgiveness and less trauma overall than did respondents who were lower in differentiation. This is the first study supporting our work that differentiation of the individual plays a meaningful and significant role in an individual’s ability to forgive and deal with a stressor like infidelity. Heintzelman et al. wrote, “In essence, by increasing levels of differentiation of self, partners may be able to weather the processing needed to reach forgiveness” (p. 26). Differentiation is the stage in an LTLR’s development in which a couple comes together in their love for each other and are able to be two separate individuals as they discuss and deal with the conflict between them. The hallmark of personal and relationship growth towards the Differentiation phase of an LTLR is each partner growing in their ability to deal with conflict well. This means not going into Hostile Dependent or Conflict Avoidant patterns, but working to handle conflicts directly as each partner struggles and stretches themselves to really hear and understand what is important or imperative to the other. This is called Conflict Intimacy and it will be discussed later in the section on The Three Intimacies. Suffice it to say that Differentiation is all about getting good, when in conflict, at both speaking up and at listening up. For couples in Stage 3, conflict is dealt with, resolved, and past. It doesn’t fester, poisoning the couple’s hours or days going forward. With such successful addressing and resolution of issues comes the realization that conflict is a natural occurrence in the relationship as opposed to a threat to it. Pivotal to the achievement of Differentiation in a LTLR is both partners being willing to take responsibility for their part in the problems in the relationship, including committing to sincerely work on themselves to become better partners. Though it is counterintuitive for many partners, owning their weaknesses brings partners a sense of personal and relationship strength and self-confidence. And it is only when each is willing to do this that they can deal with conflict well. With humility and self-confidence in hand, the partners meet each other halfway and join hands in building a great LTLR.

Stage 4: Synergy

If the couple continues this work, and learns this new, more mature intimacy through differentiation, they then enter Stage 4, Synergy. When couples learn how to handle the dark side of passion well, the light of positive passion comes to achieve brilliance. In this Synergy stage, the couple has created a loving bond and a life together for the long-term that is greater than either of them. They both merge and differentiate to create the full flowering of the mature long-term love relationship. This is the gravy. This is where truly happy couples that have been together for years are. Those who know them envy these couples. They’ve weathered the storms and come out the other side stronger and closer for it. They’ve gone through changes and conflicts, dealt with them, and have grown closer as a result. Synergy stage couples have learned through their LTLR experience that conflict done well is THE most powerful means to building love relationship strength. Meeting conflict head on, working it through, and resolving it builds confidence in the relationship and the confidence that each partner has in the other. This builds the sense of security each partner has in the relationship. It increases the intimacy in the relationship. It also grows the love, affection, and appreciation that each partner has for the other. In Stage 4, a couple has solidified the gains they made in achieving Differentiation. Dealing with conflict well is second nature to them. They’ve developed the strength in their LTLR to deal with difficult times and the resiliency to rebound from the stresses and traumas that life can bring. They’re good at loving each other, and at showing love in ways that touch their partner. Each partner knows who they are individually and is good at sharing themselves with their life partner. Synergy is the mature flowering of love; it is what we all yearn for.

The Bi-Directional Nature of Relationship Growth

It is important to note here that the movement of couples through these stages is bi-directional. For example, during times of high stress, couples that have reached Stage 3 and 4 functioning often regress to earlier, less mature functioning levels. For example, this can be seen when there is a serious illness in the family. One or both spouses often become more symbiotic. However, if the couple has previously grown into differentiated functioning, the partners can be expected to be able to work through the struggle and successfully reestablish differentiation, either on their own or with short-term couples therapy assistance.

Summary of the Developmental Theory

The Long Term Love Relationship Model has four stages:

1. Sweet Symbiosis: The magical “honeymoon” phase that is foundational to the relationship. “I-ness” is lost in “we-ness,” differences and conflicts are repressed, denied or minimized.
2. Soured Symbiosis: The reemergence of two separate and different selves that introduces tension and disappointments into the relationship. 95% of the couples you see are in this phase. Reality shatters the dream of Stage 1. Differences and conflicts that were submerged in Stage 1 emerge here, characterized by the couple struggling, experiencing the growing pains of the relationship. This is a positive and necessary stage indicating growth of the individual and a need for continuing growth in the LTLR.
3. Differentiation: This stage brings acknowledgment and respect for partners’ differences and the growth these propel. The couple has begun to achieve higher CI, the “I-ness” and “we-ness” start to coexist in complementarity. Under stress the couple regresses to Stage 2.
4. Synergy: The knowledge that each person is “more” because of the relationship with the other and the growth that their differences continue to promote. Differentiation is solidified, regression to Stage 2 rarely occurs. With increased CI and differentiation, the loving bond that the couple experiences deepens and becomes richer over time.

The growth process is governed by the level of symbiotic vs. differentiated functioning in the couple.

Goals of the LTLR Therapist

• Push the couple to accept as normal and non-threatening the differences and tensions that exist in any, and particularly their, relationship.

• Assist each partner in the face of tension to hold onto themselves calmly while simultaneously hearing, remaining curious about what the partner is saying, and respecting the partner’s viewpoint while not having to agree.

• Encourage and teach both partners how to continue the conversation as they define their differences and invest in the process of the conversation to arrive at a mutually satisfying, hybrid solution.

• Teach the couple how to continue to think while expressing and experiencing strong feelings as well as expand each partner’s awareness of their range of feelings and perceptions.

• Help individuals understand each has a wide range of feelings that are often contradictory and temporary while recognizing that feelings – particularly negative ones – are not necessarily threatening to the relationship.

• Increase the tension within the individual and the couple rather than decreasing it.

• Demonstrate to couples that tension and differences are indications of growing pains rather than threats to the relationship.

The Three Intimacies

In our work helping couples move from Soured Symbiosis into Differentiation and Synergy, we focus on what we term The Three Intimacies: Self-Intimacy, Conflict Intimacy, and Affection Intimacy (Solomon & Teagno, 2002). These are the variables that determine the health of any Long-term Love Relationship. They are the key measures that enable the couples therapist to accurately evaluate the functioning of any couple as it presents in an initial consultation. They provide the therapist with a clear understanding of any couple’s functional strengths as well as also indicating what the weaknesses are in each partner and in the LTLR. Thus, the diagnostic information provided by an assessment of the couple’s functioning in the Three Intimacies is invaluable in initial treatment planning. Subsequent to and based upon this initial diagnostic work, TRI therapists work with the couple to strengthen their functioning in each of the Three Intimacies. This is central to our approach to achieving a successful outcome in couples therapy.

Self-Intimacy

Too often overlooked in therapy and especially in couples therapy is the importance of the individual’s intimacy with self; that is, the individual’s moment-to-moment awareness of his or her own feelings, desires, and thoughts (Solomon & Teagno, 2002). We put particular emphasis here on the individual’s awareness of their emotions, seeing one’s emotions as THE most intimate part of the self, the closest thing to our true self or soul. Indeed, we see emotions as messages from the true self, letting us know how we are doing at keeping our life along a path that is healthy and righteous for us. In couples therapy, Self-Intimacy is particularly important because one’s level of intimacy with self determines or limits the real intimacy one can have with another. This is the root of the common grievance of wives whose husbands do not “open up” to them or share their “heart” with them. Men in our culture tend to have more trouble being emotionally self-aware and Self-Intimate than women. The development of Self-Intimacy is also important because once one is aware of what they are feeling, one can then determine the cause of those emotions. With the feeling and its source known, the individual is then able to figure out how to take care of the self around the causal situation. This set of abilities is essential to being able take good care of the self in an intimate relationship. While women tend to be more self-intimate than men are, we find they often have trouble following up on this self-knowledge by standing up for themselves effectively in a relationship.

The Tool for Self-Intimacy: The Emotional Awareness Exercise

To help partners develop Self-Intimacy, we assign them a conceptually simple exercise consisting of three questions to be asked of oneself:

1. What emotion(s) am I feeling right now?
2. What situation or perception is causing me to feel this emotion?
3. What, if anything, can I do about this causal situation to take good care of myself?

We tell clients to perform this exercise 2-3 times a day. We tell them not to spend much time on it – 30 seconds to five minutes at most – so that it won’t become a burdensome task that they will lose motivation to perform. The key is that the individual check in with the self day after day for very short bursts of time. Often clients have trouble remembering to do it. In Western society, we tend to be so externally focused and when we are focused internally, it is almost always on our cognition. Another common problem that male clients in particular have with ESA is they are unsuccessful at achieving awareness of any feelings, or if they do become aware of affect, they have trouble knowing what emotion(s) it is. We tell them that it’s just like going to the gym and building up their strength; if they do not give up, both their emotional awareness and their emotional discriminative abilities will get stronger. When practicing ESA, many people will often stop at familiar feelings like anger or anxiety. They think that these are the only feelings they have. We challenge them to look beneath the more familiar or “comfortable feelings” for more vulnerable feelings like fear, hurt, and the like. We tell clients that if they engage ESA daily for the next couple of months, their Self-Intimacy will be dramatically increased and they and their relationship will be transformed. Indeed, we find this simple exercise to be the single most powerful tool we give clients in improving their individual emotional well being and the quality of their life in general, especially their Long-term Love Relationship. LTLR partners becoming emotionally self-aware is essential to the development of an individuated self. The more any LTLR partner comes to know about their feelings, the greater capacity they have to engage in a truly intimate and committed love relationship. For the therapist, it is important to keep in mind that there are two essential aspects to Self-Intimacy as it relates to LTLR functioning and emotions experienced by the partners toward each other:

1. Conscious acknowledgment and identification of emotions within the self
2. Expression of the emotions to the partner

It is the second of these aspects of SI that is a particular challenge for any LTLR partner. Sharing one’s feelings, especially negative feelings toward one’s partner, can be a very difficult and anxiety provoking thing to do. Nevertheless, doing so successfully is the primary challenge of Long-term Love Relationships. Therefore, Self-Intimacy, with its emphasis on self-awareness and the sharing of the self is the foundation of differentiated relationship intimacy.

Conflict Intimacy

As Self-Intimacy is the foundation of differentiated relationship intimacy, Conflict Intimacy (Solomon & Teagno, 2002) is the framework built upon that foundation. The term Conflict Intimacy refers to the couple’s ability to deal with conflict in a healthy manner. Instead of seeing conflict as a negative indicator in Long-term Love Relationships, we see conflict in the couples that come to us for help as the growing pains of the relationship. It is an indicator that the couple is struggling to grow from a symbiotic level of functioning to a differentiated level, from an immature LTLR into a mature one. We encourage couples in their periods of struggle by letting them know that doing conflict well is one of the most powerful means to enhance the strength of a long-term love relationship. Helping couples to become adept at doing conflict well is the central focus of the therapist using the TRI Model of Long-term Love Relationships. But what does it mean to do conflict well? It means that each partner is able to both openly and constructively voice their hurt, disappointment, anger, and other negative affect as well as to be able to be “curious not furious” in the face of their partner’s pain and anger. It is the ability to stay differentiated in conflict and to be able to do a good job standing up for one’s self as well as being there for the partner when they are in pain and angry. To help our clients develop Conflict Intimacy, we mainly use an exercise developed by Bader and Pearson, the Initiator to Inquirer, or “I-to-I” exercise (Bader and Pearson, 1988). They have written extensively about this exercise and their work with couples; we highly recommend these writings to you. We have found that a mistake many couples therapists (including ourselves early in our careers) make is that in trying to help couples with their conflict, they focus too much on conflict resolution. There can be a seductive pull to premature resolution for couples therapists; it lowers the anxiety of the therapist created by the couple’s negative affect laden conflict, and providing the couple with our ingenious, insightful solutions to their problems can be very ego gratifying. But we have found that couples are more than intelligent enough in most situations to figure out effective solutions to their problems. What hangs them up isn’t the resolution but the process of conflict. They get stuck in endless cycles of venomous explosive conflict.

Teaching Couples Conflict Intimacy: The I-to-I Tool

Bader and Pearson’s I-to-I exercise is a powerful tool because it focuses on conflict process not conflict resolution. The I-to-I is the tool we use to teach clients how to express their feelings, hear their partner’s divergent feelings, and manage the tension and conflict created by these differences. As partners develop their capacity for Conflict Intimacy (CI), they are able to escape from their intimacy killing toxic conflict pattern, whether it be Conflict Avoidant or Hostile Dependent. The I-to-I exercise places each partner in one of two roles, either as the Initiator or the Inquirer. The Initiator shares in order to be self-revelatory and intimate, to stand up for the self, and to – ideally – learn more about themself. The Inquirer’s responsibility is to listen well to their partner, to tell the other what they have heard and to ask questions designed to deepen the listener’s understanding of the Initiator, questions that ultimately assist the Initiator in understanding more about self. This exercise pushes the Initiator to be more Self-intimate and differentiated while it pushes the Inquirer to maintain differentiation and manage their tension as they self-soothe.

Reminders for the Initiator

• Talk about yourself.

• Focus on one issue, your emotions around that issue, and be specific.

• Pick an issue that is difficult to share.

• Structure your sharing around “I feel x because of y.”

• Don’t blame your partner; remember, this is about you.

• Your goal is to help your partner know your reality.

• Continue to look for more feelings that you have about this topic. Stretch yourself.

Reminders for the Inquirer

• You have agreed to suspend your view of the topic.

• Fight getting defensive; keep reminding yourself that what your partner shares is about them; it’s not about you.

• Recap what you heard your partner say.

• Be curious; ask questions designed to deepen your understanding of your partner.

• Don’t problem-solve.

The I-to-I exercise pushes at Self-Intimacy as it also reveals to the partners their differences and just how far apart they are on a topic. While in the exercise, the partners are coming up against their differences and will experience the tension it creates in each of them. In the face of tension, each will want to use old defenses designed to eliminate the distance, tension, or conflict. These are all essentially moves toward the old symbiosis; they include minimizing the differences, pulling or pushing at the partner to accede to the wishes of the other, or “folding” to the perceived desires of the other. To the great frustration of many couples, especially male partners, the I-to-I exercise does not deal with conflict resolution at all. In fact, oftentimes it is necessary, particularly when a couple is first learning the exercise, to stop them when they start to go to resolution. We want each of them to grow in their ability to handle the tension of unresolved conflict instead of allowing them to reduce this tension through premature resolution. The only way to increase tension tolerance is to force them to stay in the process of conflict unresolved. Session after session, much of the therapy hour is spent working within the strict confines of the I-to-I format. After the couple has developed some mastery of the I-to-I, we tell them to try working with it outside the office. This is when more rapid progress starts to take place. This is especially the case if both partners have each worked on Self-Intimacy, which greatly enhances the individual’s ability to be able to fulfill both the Initiator and Inquirer roles well. The Initiator-Inquirer format teaches clients how to be intimate in conflict while the ESA exercise teaches them how to be self-intimate. Both forms of intimacy increase tension both within the individual and between the partners. As individuals develop their ability to identify and express their thoughts and feelings, they also need assistance learning how to ease their internal struggle. This is the skill of Self-Comfort. Self-Comfort is the individual’s capacity to bring ease to oneself when experiencing tension, fear or perceived emotional threats to one’s sense of self. A reflex of any human being is to escape or minimize pain and the way we do this reflexively is by fight, flight, or freeze. While these ensure immediate individual survival, they do nothing to ensure the survival of a relationship. In fact, what works for individual survival will keep the individual alive but often leaves them alienated, unable to sustain intimacy, and finally, alone. As therapists, we need to teach clients the difference between self-comfort and individual survival skills. While survival skills lower the sense of threat, they also increase the tension between the partners as they are designed to only increase the survival of the one person. In contrast, self-comfort skills ease the individual’s sense of threat, and helps the person ease their emotional reactivity so that they can continue to think, decide and respond rather than reflexively react. In this regard, self-comforting does not necessarily increase relationship stress and increases the chance that at least one of the partners is able to manage their reactivity so that the alternative of easing of relationship pain may occur. Self-Comforting skills include self-talk, using the Emotional Self Awareness exercise, sharing one’s experience with the partner, reminding oneself “It’s not about me,” and allowing one’s partner their separate experiences and pain. Self-Comfort can also include taking a time out. (More will be discussed about Couple Survival Skills in the Section on Treatment Issues.) We have found that as the couple becomes more practiced in the I-to-I format and continues to develop Self-Intimacy through its work in Emotional Self Awareness as well as increase the partners’ capacity to tolerate internal and relationship tension, the couple finds that relationship conflict is no longer so daunting or so threatening to the relationship. The adoption of an attitude of growth about conflict versus one of threat helps the partners to see that needed change and closeness rather than increased alienation can come from their conflicts. As they find they can navigate differences and conflict with greater ease, they report finding greater confidence in self and in the relationship.

The I-to-I Maturity Goals and Handout

After we introduce our clients to the I-to-I exercise and use the roles of Initiator and Inquirer in the office once, we introduce the Maturity Goals of the I-to-I in the subsequent session. These goals define the Initiator and Inquirer roles from their least mature mindset (steps 1-4) to a more mature mindset (step 5) and to the most mature (steps 6-10/11). We recommend that all clients become familiar with step 5 as the beginning of maturity and stretch themselves to function at steps 8 and above on a regular basis. We remind them that under emotional stress on more “touchy” subjects, we all regress, but we encourage them to challenge themselves to remain at step 5 “at your very worst” and when they cannot, then inform the partner and ask for a “time out” to regroup (e.g., an hour or overnight). They then work to self-comfort and return to their partner within the agreed period of time to reinitiate the discussion. This way they work to do no harm to the relationship. The Initiator’s Goals

The Inquirer’s Goals

We find that as the partners work individually to hold themselves personally to these concrete goals, they report finding they can make clear progress. We emphasize to each partner to work on self and not on what the other is doing. We can only control our own progress. Clients report that they feel stronger and safer in the relationship as they find they can better hold onto the self in the tense and difficult moments. Again, Conflict Intimacy creates resilience in the couple to get through inevitably difficult times. It becomes the powerhouse or reservoir of faith and perseverance as the couple grows and stretches together and separately.

Affection Intimacy

We find in couples that have done good work developing Self-Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy that the third intimacy, Affection Intimacy (Solomon & Teagno, 2002), begins to return and blossom. This result is why we see Conflict Intimacy as a most powerful relationship enhancer. As couples begin to have successful conflict experiences – that is, as they develop Conflict Intimacy – they begin to feel closer to each other. They begin to see the other more clearly as the person they fell in love with instead of the person they see disfigured through the lens of their anger. With growing CI, each partner also sees the other as a separate person with strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, and as someone they love even with the differences and negative attributes. As the partners experience this progress, it builds up hope and confidence. They begin to build up not only hope, but also the stirrings of confidence in their ability to weather the storms of conflict. They begin to feel safer and more secure in the relationship, and that they are truly partners with each other, together on this journey. Affection again flowers in the relationship. We define Affection Intimacy as the ability to feel, express, and share love. There are four kinds of Affection Intimacy: verbal, actions, non-sexual physical, and sexual. Couples may need some help in any one or all of these types of Affection Intimacy. Most couples therapists are quite capable of providing this assistance. The most common exception is in providing help for sexual Affection Intimacy issues. This is another area where the therapist’s own level of maturation and differentiation is tested. An artifact of our culture’s mores is that many of us have our own unresolved issues around sexuality. Getting past these is essential for us to be able to assist couples with their sexual issues. We have found that couples are most able to effectively work on their sex life when they already have done good work in Self-Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy, and are moving from Soured Symbiosis to Differentiation. That is the time for the couples therapist to deal directly and openly with the couple’s sexual Affection Intimacy. Schnarch (1997) and Perel (2008) have written extensively on this aspect of couples therapy and we recommend their work to you.

Summary of the Three Intimacies

• Developmental progress in the couple is enabled by growth in the Three Intimacies, which increases differentiation.

The Three Intimacies are the building blocks of the LTLR Model

• Self-Intimacy: The ongoing, moment-to-moment awareness of one’s thoughts, feelings, and desires and the expression of these to the person they involve.

• Conflict Intimacy: Each person sharing and respecting their inevitable differences and the tension they create yet remaining in the conversation so they can arrive at a hybrid solution. “Good fighting leads to good loving.”

• Affection Intimacy: Verbal expressions, actions, physical, non-sexual behaviors, and sexual behaviors that are expressions of one’s caring, love, and admiration for the other person.

The Emotional Self Awareness Exercise

The primary way to develop Self-Intimacy is by practicing Emotional Self Awareness (ESA). To do so, ask yourself a minimum of two to three times a day the following three questions:

• What specific emotion(s) am I feeling?

• What situation or perception of mine is causing me to feel this emotion?

• What, if anything, can I do about this causal situation in order to take care of myself?

Reminders about ESA:

• Practice daily, 2-3 times a day, for only a minute or two each time you check in with your self

• Share your feelings with the person involved. This increases self-intimacy and your differentiation.

• Remember that working on ESA is vital, as SI is a key to relationship maturation; without it, you are restricting the intimacy and growth of yourself and your relationship.

The Focus of TRI LTLR Therapists:

• TRI LTLR therapists focus their work with the couple on first engendering growth in Self-Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy and then in Affection Intimacy.
• Growth in Self-Intimacy is primarily fostered through the therapist’s use of the Emotional Self Awareness Exercise (ESA) with each partner.
• Growth in Conflict Intimacy is primarily fostered through the therapist’s use of the Initiator-to-Inquirer or “Intimacy through Tension” exercise.
• In TRI LTLR Therapy, constructive expression of emotion and self-awareness of emotion is central.

The Three Deal Breakers

Perhaps the most amazing thing about couples is how much trauma committed relationships can endure; infidelities, substance abuse, spousal abuse – the list goes on and on. In fact, we have found only three things that couples cannot overcome. We call them the Three Deal Breakers (Solomon & Teagno, 2002). The first Deal Breaker occurs in Hostile Dependent couples when, over a number of years, so much anger, disappointment, and pain has been inflicted by one partner on the other, or both on each other, that the love that one or both partners had for the other dies. The second Deal Breaker occurs when Conflict Avoidant couples “drift apart” over quite a few years, again killing the love and intimacy they once had due to their refusal to deal with their differences. These two Deal Breakers are about a couple’s love dying, through either abuse or neglect. The third Deal Breaker arises when one or both partners refuse to own their own part in the couple’s problems and refuses to work sincerely on the self to overcome these problems. A great many couples end their relationship when their love has truly died due to one of the first two Deal Breakers. However, we believe that a majority of couples that end their long-term love relationships do so when their love is still alive. What dooms the relationship then is this third Deal Breaker, either or both partners refusing to take responsibility for their contributions to the relationship’s struggles. Sadly, these are relationships that could work well if only both partners had enough courage to face themselves. The divorce rate would go down precipitously if this third Deal Breaker could be overcome. Our work as couples therapists is to help couples avoid falling prey to any of the Three Deal Breakers. Our work is to be a powerful force helping their love blossom for the long-term. In our therapy with couples, we have found that – equipped with the Differentiation Model and the Three Intimacies, and utilizing the I-to-I exercise and The Emotional Self Awareness Exercise – we often CAN achieve these goals.

Summary of the Three Deal Breakers

We have found that relationships are incredibly and unpredictably resilient. Drugs, alcohol, infidelity, money, family, and myriad other problems do not end strong relationships, but there are three deal breakers that lead to relationships ending.

1. One or both partners never truly loved the other when the commitment to the relationship was made.
2. Too much anger, pain, or damage has been inflicted by one partner on the other or by both on each other that for one or both partners the love they once had for the other no longer exists.
3. One or both partners are unwilling to own their part of the problems in the LTLR and/or are unwilling to commit to trying their best to overcome these issues.

We seldom find the First Deal Breaker to be the reason for the ending of a relationship. The Second Deal Breaker occurs quite often. The most common reason by far that we find that LTLRs fail is due to the Third Deal Breaker. Our experience tells us that a large percentage of the marriages that end in divorce in our society do so as a result not of “irreconcilable differences” but due to this Third Deal Breaker. That is, if not for the Third Deal Breaker, many of these couples would have found that their differences were indeed reconcilable. All too often partners run rather than face their own weaknesses and their own demons. Frequently, they convince themselves that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, that they won’t have these problems when they find the “right” spouse. They may indeed find a better match in their next partner, but unfortunately, if they fall victim to the Third Deal Breaker, their own issues will resurface and hinder or damage their next LTLR just as they did their previous one. These individuals are also the ones that we find later in life often look back with regret on their decision to leave their marriage or other committed relationship or how they ended it. With the passage of years, they gain the perspective that enables them to acknowledge that they did not try their best, and that they did not give that relationship a fair chance. They wonder if they could have been happy in the relationship if they had truly tried instead of giving up perhaps too quickly. Sometimes learning this lesson through the pain of regret does enable them to not make the same mistake again. We often see someone in distress in their second or third marriage come in for couples therapy because they don’t want to make the same Third Deal Breaker mistake they now sees they made in their previous LTLR(s).

Theory: The Three Types of Infidelity

Just as it is important to have a model of Long-term Love Relationships when working with couples, it is vital to have a theoretical framework enabling the therapist to evaluate and understand the dynamics leading up to and then resulting from infidelity. A variety of useful infidelity typologies have been developed (Brown, 2001; Lusterman, 1998). Many of these are quite complex. We have found a simpler model of infidelity typing to be more incisive and useful in helping couples dealing with such a betrayal and their therapists. Our work with countless couples struggling with infidelity has shown us that all infidelities can be clearly identified by the TRI typology of the Three Types of Infidelity. We have found that the answer to the question of what motivates and powers an infidelity always comes back to the same thing – emotions. Individuals in Long-term Love Relationships end up betraying their partners only when they have allowed one of three negative emotions to build up inside them. By not dealing with this negative emotion, the individual sets themselves up for the emotion to hijack her actions. The Three Types of Infidelity are each defined by one or more of three unresolved negative emotions in the betraying partner that lead them to act out by being unfaithful. The result is an Infidelity of Fear, an Infidelity of Loneliness, or an Infidelity of Anger. Just as in the TRI Model of Long-term Love Relationships, we see here the central role that emotion, and how it is or isn’t worked through, plays in intimate relating. Earlier we talked about the primacy of emotions, about how for the individual, being aware of one’s emotions and dealing with them in constructive ways (Self-Intimacy) is the key to individual well being. Then we emphasized how dealing well with the negative emotions felt between partners (Conflict Intimacy) is vital to a Long-term Love Relationship’s well being. The obvious flip side to this is that when partners do not pay attention to, and deal constructively with, the negative emotions, they’re inviting disaster to strike their LTLR. All too often, this takes the form of the LTLR “weapon of mass destruction” – infidelity (Ceo, 2003). LTLR partners who feel increasing fear, loneliness, or anger, and who do not acknowledge and then deal successfully with these particular three negative emotions, are at high risk for infidelity. The negative emotion will become so strong within them that they can cause the individual to become vulnerable to giving up their integrity and choose to act to either create or simply assent to an opportunity to be unfaithful. We assert that this set of circumstances underlies every infidelity. In addition to reinforcing the centrality of emotion in intimacy, one other aspect of this typology that we find especially powerful for the therapist working with infidelity couples is its treatment planning utility. As you will see from the following discussion of each of the Three Types of Infidelity, once the therapist has determined which infidelity type has occurred, they will have a clear direction and focus for the couple’s therapy, not only in helping them heal from the trauma of infidelity but also in assisting them to rebuild their LTLR so that the chances of infidelity occurring again are dramatically reduced. Before getting into the specifics of the Three Types of Infidelity, let’s define infidelity. As we use the term, an “infidelity” refers to any action taken unilaterally by a partner in a committed love relationship that violates the overt or assumed agreement of sexual and/or emotional exclusivity between the two partners. This includes affairs, which are a subtype of infidelity that denotes an affectional relationship that may or may not include sexual relations, and sexual liaisons, which are a subtype of infidelity defined as an interpersonal relationship or interaction entered into expressly for the purpose of sexual satisfaction. One-night stands can be either an affair or a sexual liaison, but most often are the latter. Continuing infidelities can be either subtype as well, though more frequently are affairs.

The Three Types of Infidelity

Before we get into the specifics of each of the Three Types of Infidelity, there is one point that is important to emphasize. When working with infidelity couples, it is absolutely essential that the therapist be unambiguous in making clear to the couple that the responsibility for the infidelity rests solely and completely with the betraying partner. It is vital that this be explicitly established and acknowledged as true by all three people in the therapy room in order for infidelity couples therapy to be successful. Trust in the therapist is at stake, as is the clear delineation of responsibility for the trauma the couple is going through. In the following discussion of the Three Types of Infidelity, we address in detail the relationship factors that contribute to a partner in a LTLR becoming vulnerable to having an infidelity. However, this in no way means that the relationship, or the betrayed partner – no matter how many mistakes he has made in the relationship, no matter how “bad” a partner he may have been – is in any way responsible for the infidelity. The betraying partner had other choices they could have made to deal with the problems in the LTLR, or to deal with their negative emotions, than to betray their partner. Just because the betrayed partner contributed to the problems in the relationship that created the vulnerability to infidelity, this does not mean they are in any way responsible for its occurrence. With these couples, this fact invariably needs to be explicitly stated. Most often, in fact, it needs to be repeatedly reiterated over the course of therapy.

Infidelity of Fear: Running away from Fear

Big problems result when any of us ignores our fear. Sometimes one ends up staying too long in a situation that is dangerous or destructive, and bad things happen to us. Sometimes what happens is our fear keeps building up inside until it gets to be so strong that it takes over our behavior, causing us to act out in the desperate attempt to escape from the feeling itself. This is the scenario played out in an Infidelity of Fear. Fear is a primal and powerful emotion. It is an emotion that we find is often misunderstood and/or feared. It serves to keep us safe by causing us to avoid real danger or escape from truly threatening situations. It is important that we teach our clients that we are all well-served by listening to our fear, but that does not mean letting fear control us. The partner who is motivated by fear has a long history of conflict with self-confidence and attachment safety. These experiences are manifest in the individual’s Self-Intimacy, Conflict Intimacy, and Affection Intimacy.

Characteristics of an Infidelity of Fear

The partner who has had an Infidelity of Fear has the following characteristics:

• Low Self-Intimacy, particularly when it comes to being aware of and dealing with the emotion of fear.
• Long-standing, deep-seated fear of one of the following:
  • the fear of intimacy, sometimes experiences as the fear of losing themselves and their independence in a love relationship
  • a fear of commitment fueled by a primal fear of choosing wrongly, of making a mistake
  • the fear of being unworthy of love

So an Infidelity of Fear results when a LTLR partner has one of these three strong, old fears about themselves and love and they are unable or unwilling to confront those fears (low Self-Intimacy) within himself. In the case of an Infidelity of Fear, the individual’s long-standing fear and tendency to ignore it laid the groundwork for the infidelity. This potent combination predated the relationship/marriage. In fact, of the three types of infidelities, the Infidelity of Fear, has the least to do with the LTLR that is betrayed and the most to do with the betraying partner’s psyche and their issues with early attachment and consequently, their capacity and experience of love and intimacy that was brought into the relationship.

The Fears that Lead to an Infidelity of Fear

The Infidelity of Fear partner comes from a family experience with an insecure attachment. This individual could not find certainty in being loved and feeling that they belonged. Therefore, they have a real conflict between a desire to be in a relationship and a desire to avoid one (i.e. protect herself from the fear of being hurt again). This partner pursues a relationship and for a period of time feels loved, connected and safe, but eventually and inevitably, as Soured Symbiosis is experienced, their fears surface. These feelings are sometimes clearly defined, but more often take the shape of vague, uncomfortable feelings. There are three specific subtypes of fear that underlie an Infidelity of Fear: Fear of Intimacy, Fear of Commitment, and Fear of Being Unworthy of Love.

The Fear of Intimacy

The first subtype is the fear of intimacy. This is most often experienced as a fear of allowing oneself to really get close to another person – a fear of losing a sense of one’s self. It includes a fear that the other person will take over one’s life; that the individual’s needs, desires and feelings will be lost; and this partner’s needs will be subsumed into the needs of the other partner. This fear usually comes from the experience of having one or both parents who are narcissistic or self-centered. This partner’s needs were minimized or ignored while the parent’s needs were primary. The partner “naturally” expects the same in her primary adult relationship. Having needs and feelings is experienced as uncomfortable and fearful, as her expectation is that feelings will result in the experience of hurt and disappointment because her feelings will not be valued or attended to. So what does a person with this fear of intimacy do when they get into a LTLR? If their fear of intimacy is strong enough, and especially if it is reinforced by their inability to stand up for what they want in the LTLR, they will seek escape, often through an infidelity.

The Fear of Commitment

The second subtype of fear that results in an Infidelity of Fear is the fear of commitment, which is all about the fear of being wrong, the fear of closing off possibilities. This fear comes from continually being criticized as a child for the decisions you made, for always being told you’re wrong or that you could have done better. For this individual, having and especially expressing needs was not safe and they are anxious when feelings are experienced. They expect to be chastised and feel humiliated, with no one to defend or protect them. The person treated this way “learns” that they can’t trust himself and their decisions, so they become afraid to make them, and afraid to commit to any course of action. And, the bigger the decision, the more afraid they are to make it. There are few bigger decisions than committing to a LTLR. From the moment they commit to the relationship, the person who has a fear of commitment has a building fear that it is a mistake. Too often he will betray the partner in order to feel less committed, to alleviate this fear, and to avoid risking rejection, loss, or hurt.

The Fear of Being Unworthy of Love

The last fear that can underlie an Infidelity of Fear is the fear of being unworthy of love. A person brings this deep-seated fear into a LTLR when they were “taught” early on by their parents that they are unlovable or undeserving of love and safety. Most often, this comes from parents who neglect their children, who “teach” their kids through their inattentiveness that they don’t deserve to be loved, and that they aren’t good enough to merit the love and affection that all children crave. These are individuals who have Insecure Avoidant attachment styles. They do not get in touch with their feelings, do not share them, and are often in competition with or jealous of their partner. So the person who “learned” this lesson about themselves goes into a LTLR “knowing” that it won’t last, that love for them will disappear once their partner really gets to know them. This fear and expectation of an impending rejection often will cause them to act out, escape before they are hurt, or reject the partner before they are rejected. Their fear of rejection and hurt drives them to betray. They would rather be the instrument of hurt than the recipient of it.

The Similarities in the Three Subtypes of an Infidelity of Fear

Each Infidelity of Fear partner has one of these three strong, old fears about themselves and love – that they are undeserving of love, that commitment means a loss of self, or that their feelings will not be recognized or met. In each case, this partner is unable or unwilling to confront the fear within themselves out of low Self-Intimacy. In cases of an Infidelity of Fear, the betraying partner’s long-standing fear, the tendency to ignore these feelings, and the lack of ability to face and resolve them, laid the groundwork for the infidelity. It is important that we therapists help our clients recognize that this potent combination predated their relationship. As stated earlier, of the three types of infidelities, this type – the Infidelity of Fear – has the least to do with the LTLR that is betrayed and the most to do with the betraying partner’s psyche and their issues with love, intimacy, and attachment that were brought into the relationship.

Low Self-Intimacy is the Catalyst that Sparks an Infidelity of Fear

The betraying partner who is bedeviled by any of these three fears likely feels defeated and betrayed from within and may not be fully aware of his fears and anxieties and their source. They will want nothing more than to outrun or slay these feelings. However, he is limited in his capacity. It is likely that he learned growing up to deny, minimize, avoid or indirectly represent his feelings and needs; therefore, try as they might, they cannot get them to vanish. Their limited ability to be Self-intimate – that is, acknowledge and work through the origins of the feelings – causes them to feel weak because he cannot not deal with, change, or defeat them. Over time, the Infidelity of Fear individual learns that what worked as a child – to ignore, repress, or deny the feelings and their impact on them – brought some short-term relief. However, short-term relief eventually leads to long-term problems. Ignoring, repressing or denying feelings is the opposite of being self-intimate regarding them. There are few things more harmful to an individual’s and a LTLR’s health than ignoring fear instead of confronting it. That is why we say that low Self-Intimacy is the catalyst of an Infidelity of Fear. Just having one of the three fears that lead to an Infidelity of Fear does not mean that a partner will inevitably stray. By confronting the fear and developing Self-Intimacy, the person can overcome the limitations of their fear and early insecure attachment, but this requires courage on the part of the client. It is the responsibility of the therapist to help the client see their fear, understand its genesis, and overcome it. By doing so, they will create within the self the capacity to trust intimacy and attachment. When clients are not controlled by fear, they do not run from it into an Infidelity of Fear.

Summary of an Infidelity of Fear

With the combination of an insecure attachment that includes a fear of being unworthy of love, a fear of commitment or a fear of intimacy, AND low Self-Intimacy, the chances of an Infidelity of Fear resulting are very high. Of the Three Intimacies, Self-Intimacy is the key one in Infidelities of Fear because low Self-Intimacy will activate deep-seated fear, will give it power over the individual, and cause him to run from his fear into the short-term respite of new “love” which is yet untouched by his underlying, now dormant, fear. Not only do Infidelities of Fear tend to start early in a LTLR, they also are usually short-lived and not serious love affairs. This is because a person who is driven to have an Infidelity of Fear isn’t looking to find love; they are looking to escape from it. Therefore, it is not uncommon for a person in this situation to have serial Infidelities of Fear over the course of their primary relationship, having one infidelity after another and sometimes having more than one at a time. While these infidelities may span years, they do not appear to have depth as the individual lacks the emotional capacity to manage intimacy and trust the connection.

Becoming Invulnerable to an Infidelity of Fear

Of the three types of infidelity, Infidelities of Fear depend on change from the betrayed partner the least. While the betrayed partner has a role in helping to create the change necessary so that the partner never again commits an Infidelity of Fear, that change is much more about her relationship with the betraying partner than it is about the other way around. The work of the betraying partner is primarily to acknowledge the deep fear that is driving them, whichever of the three fears it is. Then they have to work it through, deal with it, and unmask the false beliefs about themselves and about love relationships that the fear is based on, and replace it with healthier beliefs. Their fear will never completely disappear, but by confronting it fear and wrestling with it, he will become stronger and his fear will become weaker. If they have enough courage to do this work, their fear will lose the strength to control them – it will no longer have the power to drive them to betray. As the betraying partner works on himself, he needs to include his partner in the process by being Self-intimate with both himself and his partner. He needs to talk with his partner about his fear. This practice pushes at both Self-Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy as it raises the tension and challenges both partners to differentiate. The therapist’s role in this process is to provide a “holding frame” for the couple’s work. As you guide the betraying partner to confront his fears and discuss them, you also support him. You will simultaneously support the betrayed partner to hear the reality. This partner will need to be able to self-comfort just as the other partner will need to do the same as his level of fear is activated. The betraying partner will be expecting to be criticized, attacked, or humiliated.

Summary of the Infidelity of Fear

• The individual is controlled by fears derived from early childhood experiences (often Avoidant or Insecure Attachment).

• There are three fears that power an Infidelity of Fear.

  Either:

  • A fear of intimacy: of being subsumed in a relationship
  • A fear of commitment: derived from much early criticism

  Or:

  • A fear of being unworthy or undeserving of love – the experience and subsequent belief that one is unlovable.
    • Unresolved family of origin issues (Insecure Attachment) and beliefs are brought to the surface by the present relationship and its necessary demands.

• Infidelities occur early in the relationship and there are usually many.
• The individual is characterized by low Self-Intimacy, limited Conflict Intimacy, and resulting variable Affection Intimacy.

Infidelity of Loneliness: Running toward a Sense of Awakening

The one emotion that none of us experiences when we’re falling in love is loneliness. You miss each other when you’re apart, but you don’t feel lonely. Just the opposite, in fact. You feel whole, loved, and appreciated by your partner above all others. Once you find that love, you’re certain you’ll never feel lonely again. Such is the spectacular experience of new love. But all good things do change, and so it is with love. As the months and years go by, individuals in Long-term Love Relationships start feeling alone again. Instead of the closeness and union they experienced at the beginning of their relationship, they find themselves feeling separate, and at times isolated and estranged from their partner. Sometimes, when a person realizes they are feeling this way, they will try to do something about it. They’ll try to address it by talking to their partner about it, by making more time for their partner in their busy lives, or by trying to be more affectionate or sexual. Many times, actions such as these help alleviate the problem. Often times, they do not. Sometimes a person will do nothing about his loneliness, because they aren’t very aware of it, or when they are aware of it, they either don’t know what to do about it, or they are hopeless that anything can be done to change or eliminate the feeling. Then the loneliness gets worse. A lonely person – a really lonely person – is a very vulnerable person. He is vulnerable to the one thing that will most powerfully take his loneliness away – falling in love again. This is the very process that leads to so many affairs. These are Infidelities of Loneliness.

Characteristics of an Infidelity of Loneliness

How do you determine when an infidelity was one of Loneliness? The conditions that underlie and define an Infidelity of Loneliness are:

1. The development of the LTLR has been arrested at Stage 2, Soured Symbiosis, by the absence of healthy Conflict Intimacy.
2. Due to this low Conflict Intimacy, the partners have grown apart, causing deterioration in Affection Intimacy.
3. This lack of closeness has become acute enough that the unfaithful partner has felt alone and unloved.
4. The unfaithful partner has low Self-Intimacy. Oftentimes in these situations, the betraying partner is unaware of the depth of their loneliness. As a result, they have not been able to deal with their loneliness in a healthy way by confronting it with the partner in the LTLR. Or they think they have tried to deal with it without success, and conclude that nothing done would help.

Similar to an Infidelity of Fear, low Self-Intimacy in the unfaithful partner plays a role in the process that leads to an Infidelity of Loneliness. Unlike the situation that leads to an Infidelity of Fear, however, here the key is the low Conflict Intimacy in the LTLR has led to the creation of real distance between the partners and to the loneliness that has engulfed the relationship. Sadly, this is the fertile ground from which the unfaithful partner’s Infidelity of Loneliness sprang. In all cases of Infidelity, we aver that the faithful partner is NOT responsible for the infidelity; however, the faithful partner did contribute to the weakness in the relationship that laid the foundation for the eventual erosion that allowed space for an infidelity. In addition, the faithful partner could have a part in strengthening the relationship. In the case of low Self-Intimacy and low Conflict Intimacy, the faithful partner’s role was one of ignoring the growing rift and distance in the relationship.

Low Conflict Intimacy Leads to Loneliness

So how does loneliness overtake love and commitment? It is all about Conflict Intimacy. The closeness, the warmth, and the love in Long-term Love Relationships is more fragile than we think. That Affection Intimacy, which so deliciously dominated a relationship at the beginning, doesn’t last forever without help. That help, strangely enough, comes from fighting or more specifically, Conflict Intimacy. When any couple fights well, they also love well. The couples that avoid dealing with their differences and conflict tacitly agree to grow apart with their lack of resolution. In the spaces of quiet and avoidance eventually grows separateness and aloneness within the relationship. Over time, while the couple is largely unaware of their lack of growing connection, vulnerability within the relationship develops. Without Conflict Intimacy, an effective way to navigate and negotiate their differences, these couples go through the motions of a relationship with little real intimacy both in terms of negative and positive passion. As the passion diminishes, the couple loses intimacy, closeness, honesty, and mutual respect. Instead of feeling close, intimate, and loving, the partners feel distant and isolated. When they don’t do something about this, the loneliness begins to consume and eventually control at least one partner’s life.

It Is a Slow Process That Often Catches the Betraying Partner Unawares

Partners who have Infidelities of Loneliness are like the group that Shirley Glass describes in her book, NOT “Just Friends” (2003). These are not partners who seek an infidelity. When you meet these clients before they have an affair, they report a “good enough” marriage but lack enthusiasm about the relationship. They complain of a routine and a lack of passion, but do not express a clear desire for an infidelity. However, these individuals are very vulnerable to an affair. As the partner’s internal sense of loneliness continues to grow – a slow, insidious process, marked by the attrition of the betraying partner’s faith in the capacity of the LTLR to be successful, and the capacity of the relationship to take care of his need for love – the partner becomes vulnerable to someone new, someone who awakens his sense of aliveness.Unlike Infidelities of Fear, Infidelities of Loneliness usually do not occur at the beginning of a Long-term Love Relationship. Because it takes time for loneliness to build to the point that it is strong enough to overtake the love that the LTLR was built upon, Infidelities of Loneliness usually don’t occur for a number of years after the beginning of the LTLR, usually at least five to seven years into the relationship. In the role of therapist, we are in the position to note when a client is on the “slippery slope of infidelity.” It then becomes our responsibility to point this out to him. Fortunately, such loneliness is reversible. By making a partner aware of his low Self-Intimacy and limited Conflict Intimacy, we can help the client to reverse the losses that have accrued in the relationship. By speaking up and talking honestly and clearly, the couple has an opportunity to heal their LTLR before an infidelity occurs or progresses. It is our experience that individuals who have an Infidelity of Loneliness do not seek out an infidelity. In fact, they are often largely unaware of the depth of their loneliness. This is an example of low Self-Intimacy in action. Out of touch with their feelings, individuals in this situation are surprised by their mounting attraction for another.

The Seductive Antidote to Loneliness is a Need Love Mirage

While partners who eventually have Infidelities of Loneliness do not seek them, they find themselves over time and circumstance attracted to another person. When they first find themself drawn to the attention of another, it is often chalked up to immediate circumstances and the attraction is minimized. However, the attraction is very seductive as they find themself wanting to see the other person as they find themself feeling more alive and awakened to life. They can no longer effectively minimize the attraction, chalk it up to being married for so long, or to long work hours, or label it as just a temporary, passing feeling. The attraction stands in vivid contrast to how emotionally shut down they have felt in their primary relationship. When you add this new sense of aliveness to the betraying partner’s low Self-Intimacy and their LTLR’s low Conflict Intimacy, you can see how an Infidelity of Loneliness is a great threat to their LTLR. The betraying partner believes they are in love, a new kind of love they have never experienced before or a love that is long gone between them and their LTLR partner. However, this is a mirage. One’s Infidelity of Loneliness is a relationship built on Need Love. It is based on the feelings evoked by the new relationship that temporarily mask the loneliness, a loneliness that very likely resembles their insecure attachment experience – not being able to rely on being soothed, comforted, and valued by the love object. In the affair, their love is fueled and fed by their infidelity partner meeting their need to not feel lonely. The love is not based on who they are (though they experience it that way) but on what they do for them. This is a Stage 1, Sweet Symbiosis love, or “love is blind love,” which hasn’t yet met the challenges of Soured Symbiosis, when the rose-colored glasses come off. Built upon the shaky foundation of Need Love, these relationships rarely last.

Helping Couples Become Invulnerable To an Infidelity of Loneliness

As with any of the three types of infidelities, the first step in making an LTLR invulnerable to an Infidelity of Loneliness reoccurring in the future is truly healing from the betrayal. Such healing involves working through the terrible pain, anger, and fear as well as the betraying partner earning back trust through his trustworthy behavior over time. In order for the couple to feel safe knowing there is no longer a danger of another Infidelity in the future, the therapist has to help both partners address head-on each one’s struggles with Self-Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy. The betraying partner’s personal work is to become exceedingly and reliably Self-intimate since it was his weak Self-Intimacy that allowed his loneliness to grow unchecked to the point that it came to overtake and control him, leading to the infidelity. So, this partner must fully commit to work on building up their SI, not only so that they become highly aware of what emotions they are feeling, but also so that they are then able to, and do, talk with their partner about those emotions, whether good or bad. If they do not do this, they are setting themselves up for another Infidelity of Loneliness in the future. Concurrently, the betrayed partner must work on herself to become a partner who serves to create a sense of safety in the LTLR so that their partner can reliably share their feelings. They must expand their expectation of a love relationship to include separateness and disappointment. They must come to be able to accept and respect the range of emotions their Self-Intimacy enables them to share with them, and of course, they must be able to do the same for them. This then leads to the therapist having to address the low Conflict Intimacy that led to the growth of distance between the couple. This is what gave birth to the loneliness that enabled the infidelity. The therapist assists the couple in closing the gap between the two primarily by focusing on dealing with their differences and their fears of these. As the therapist, you will help the couple work on developing growing resilience with Conflict Intimacy so they can scale the mountain of hurt, disappointment, and resentments that have piled up between them before, during, and since the infidelity. These negative feelings from the past have to be dealt with. Like poison infecting a wound, in order to heal the cut the couple has to clean out the dirt, pain, and fears, face each and then the healing cam begin. With such healing, the relationship can become close again as the couple experiences safety in the healing process and begins to experience the relationship as secure and resilient. The real antidote to loneliness for the betraying partner and the couple is the rediscovery that the person each fell in love with is still there and still loves the other. Through the attainment of strong Self-Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy, Infidelity of Loneliness couples can recapture their connection and deepen it by becoming truly intimate.

Summary of Infidelity of Loneliness

• The individual is eventually controlled by a sense of “coming alive” after being in a relationship that has been hamstrung by limited and unsuccessful Conflict Intimacy.

• Usually the loneliness is minimized as the person often unwittingly lowers his expectations of closeness and satisfaction in the relationship.

• The sense of loneliness in the primary relationship “goes underground” until the person is surprised to find himself attracted to another with feelings of being alive or “truly in love.”

• An infidelity of loneliness often occurs 5+ years into a relationship and is not intentionally sought.

• The infidelity is characterized by low Conflict Intimacy and low Self-Intimacy while the Affection Intimacy can appear to be satisfactory.

Infidelity of Anger: Running for Revenge

Anger may very well be the most misunderstood emotion. It is thought of as a “bad” emotion that causes people to do mean things when actually, anger is as natural and healthy and normal as any other emotion. There is nothing inherently bad about it. In fact, anger can be a very positive force in a person’s life, causing one to stand up against injustice or to fight to protect what is dear to them. If there is one thing that everyone would agree on regarding anger, it is that, like fear, anger is a very primal and powerful emotion. In the blink of an eye, it can sweep us away, taking over our mind and our body, causing us to “see red.” In most cases when that happens, bad things result. That’s why anger gets a bad rap. Most of us allow our anger to control us at times, resulting in us doing things we later regret. And so, we blame our anger. However, our anger isn’t the problem. Our inability to control it – our lack of control over one’s self – is the problem. Individuals who lash out in anger a lot are people who have a great deal of anger built up inside – anger they haven’t dealt with and anger caused by past situations and people with which they haven’t made peace. Therefore, when something triggers their anger, they lose control of it and overreact. Their anger causes them to want to hurt the person who is hurting them. In Long-term Love Relationships, handling anger like this makes for an unhealthy relationship. When one partner has a history of not being able to deal with her anger well, and then on top of that builds up hurt and anger either from toxic conflict with her partner or by being conflict avoidant, their anger will start to control them. This person starts wanting to hurt the one they love. There is no more hurtfully effective way to do this than by having an infidelity. That is what leads to the third of the three types of infidelities, Infidelities of Anger. Partners who have an Infidelity of Anger are driven to betray by the great amount of anger that they have built up inside themselves because they haven’t dealt with it. And so, the anger “deals” with them, causing them to try to hurt their partners in return for the hurt they are feeling. They have an Infidelity of Anger out of a desire for revenge.

The Conditions that Lead To an Infidelity of Anger

The following characteristics define an Infidelity of Anger:

• The betraying partner has low Self-Intimacy, particularly when it comes to dealing with situations in which they feels hurt or disappointed.

• Due to this low SI, the betraying partner has a great deal of hurt and disappointment built up inside, which in turn creates the build up of anger. Hurt and disappointment are the fuel that feed the flames of anger.

• The betraying partner probably has an Insecure or Avoidant Attachment Style.

• The betraying partner has unrealistic and immature expectations of a LTLR, often defined by the expectations that all her needs should be met and by a very low tolerance for disappointment.

• There is low Conflict Intimacy in the LTLR defined by either a strong Hostile Dependent style or a strong Conflict Avoidant style of handling differences.

• Due to this low CI and to their unrealistic LTLR expectations, more and more hurt, disappointment, and anger have built up in the betraying partner, feelings they have failed to deal with in any healthy way. The anger controls them, finally causing them to betray their partner in one or a series of Infidelities of Anger.

• Over time, the betraying partner feels more and more justified in their infidelity, and leaves clues that lead to the discovery of the betrayal(s).

Low Self-Intimacy and low Conflict Intimacy are equal partners in creating the conditions that lead to an Infidelity of Anger. The inability of a partner to deal in a healthy way with anger, both on the individual level within herself and on the interpersonal level in the relationship, is the key here.

How Anger Took Over the Betraying Partner

In almost all cases of partners who engage in an Infidelity of Anger, the seeds of the betrayal predate the LTLR. Partners who had an Infidelity of Anger most likely came into the relationship with a history of not dealing with conflict well. We are talking here about real conflict – conflict with real emotional undertones and conflict causing real hurt, disappointment, and anger. This person never learned the skills necessary to work through conflict well, and so they build up an unresolved history of failed conflicts and the accumulated negative feelings that come from that. With such a history, this individual is primed to protect themselves once a relationship becomes “real” and now includes disappointments and challenges. These individuals often had insecure or avoidant early attachments that are reenacted eventually through the angry action of retaliation. While the individual entered the relationship with great hopes, they also entered with an expectation of disappointment and anticipating being hurt. This combination of intimacy, vulnerability, and self-protection is a volatile and potent mix of conflicting feelings. Such a relationship is founded on very strong positive feelings, but the vulnerability inherent in such a relationship inevitably creates strong negative feelings. This partner is not equipped to deal with these negative feelings well, either within themselves or with their partner. Thus, once Sweet Symbiosis is threatened by the imposing reality of each partner’s separateness (Soured Symbiosis), this partner’s attachment defenses are activated to protect themselves from the hurt and disappointment they begin to experience and which then reactivates the built-up hurt and disappointment that has not resolved from her past. Those defenses consist primarily of seemingly self-protective anger expression – acting out a desire for revenge. Too often, this causes one to engage in infidelity. Frequently, the partner who engages in Infidelities of Anger will even believe that their infidelity is justified by her partner’s mistreatment.

The Fatal Flaw: Low Self-Intimacy in Dealing with Hurt, Disappointment and Anger

Everyone feels anger and everyone has lashed out in anger at some points. However, not everyone has trouble controlling anger and how it is expressed. Clearly, there is a great difference between being angry situationally and being an angry person. People who have trouble controlling their anger have this problem because they do not pay attention to their anger, and particularly because they deny or repress the hurt and disappointment that always underlies anger. Hurt and disappointment are the emotions that fuel anger. Unless you feel hurt and/or disappointment in any given situation, you will not feel anger. The key to dealing with the client who has engaged in Infidelities of Anger is to assist them in overcoming their primitive anger reflex by increasing their Self-Intimacy.  They need to learn to utilize the Emotional Self Awareness Exercise so they are able to become aware in the moment when they experience hurt or disappointment in their LTLR. This enables one to then learn and use the tools of Conflict Intimacy so that they can work through those painful feelings with their partner in a constructive way, rather than engaging their old hostile, acting out defenses. These clients need specific assistance identifying and acknowledging the early sources of their hurt and disappointment. They grew up believing that they would never get their needs met unless they fought back. Thus, being Self-intimate is foreign to them and not immediately fighting back makes them feel vulnerable. They need great assistance in learning to self-comfort so that they can then share their feelings with their partners. So, by definition, partners who have Infidelities of Anger never developed these abilities. This is especially common in men because men are trained by our culture that acknowledging, to themselves or to others, that they are feeling hurt emotionally is weak, not manly. The opposite is actually true; to acknowledge one’s hurt is an act of strength. It takes courage to admit such vulnerability. Denying it is an act of fear, done out of weakness. But that is not what our culture teaches, particularly to our men. The work for the therapist with the betrayed partner is to educate him about the partner’s early background and their self-protective reflexes. The therapist has to work hard to push for the differentiation of the betrayed partner to assist him in giving voice to their pain without blaming. It is also important to help the betrayed partner understand how his partner’s Infidelity of Anger had its roots before this relationship began.

Adding Insult to Injury: Toxic LTLR Conflict Style Ignites Pent-up Anger

A history of low Self-Intimacy, especially in regards to hurt, disappointment and anger, which then leads to a buildup of those feelings within the betraying partner, is a necessary condition for creating the possibility of engaging in an Infidelity of Anger. However, by itself this is usually not sufficient to cause an Infidelity of Anger. The other necessary factor, the trigger for an Infidelity of Anger, is usually low LTLR Conflict Intimacy leading to additional deep hurt, disappointment, and anger in the betraying partner. This is what puts this partner “over the edge.” The hurts and anger from throughout their history of relationships are added to anger from the present relationship to the point where this negative affective energy becomes so great that it starts to control their behavior. It starts to create a survival response to react, and to strike back at the person they perceive to be harming the self. This partner then retaliates with a “justified” infidelity. With Infidelities of Anger, low Conflict Intimacy can take one of two toxic forms: Conflict Avoidant or Hostile Dependent. In the case of a Hostile Dependent couple, the conflict process is defined by the toxic, hurtful fights and arguments that don’t resolve anything, but instead end up with both partners feeling more hurt than before. While the conflicts escalate, one or both partners cannot stop themselves from retaliating with mean words. This may be the only way the couple can connect anymore, and some connection, albeit a hostile one, may be more reassuring than no connection. At least one of them finds a third person to run to. In the Conflict Avoidant couple, their differences are minimized and avoided. In addition, over time while each initially feels relieved to avoid the discomfort of the differences, eventually each feels separate and alone. Resentment builds as does anger, and this will eventually be revealed by overt or covert actions and words. This can result in a number of different things including acting coldly, making little digs, ignoring the partner, acting passive-aggressively, doing annoying little things, or having an infidelity.

The Timing and the Unmasking of an Infidelity of Anger

Unlike the other two types of infidelities, an Infidelity of Anger is just as likely to occur early in a Long-term Love Relationship as late in it. It all depends on how much built-up hurt, disappointment, and anger the partner brings into the LTLR. Some partners come into a LTLR with so much of this pent-up pain, anger, and unrealistic LTLR expectations that it takes very little in the way of negative feelings caused in the relationship to trigger their anger to take over and drive them to an infidelity to get revenge. This is most often the case when they have a history of unresolved rage toward a previous love partner or partners that then is taken out on their present partner. Other times, the built-up pain and anger isn’t as great. It is repeated hurts and disappointments in the LTLR that creates a great build up of anger that fuels an Infidelity of Anger. When this is the case, the infidelity happens after a number of years in the LTLR, sometimes more than five or ten years. One commonality to Infidelities of Anger is that most often the betraying partner wants to be found out. Usually they won’t consciously be aware of this and won’t knowingly leave clues to the betrayal, but leave clues they will. For it’s only when they are found out that the revenge is taken; it’s only when the partner discovers the infidelity that one is able to get back at the other for the pain for which they blame the other. As always, the betrayed partner is not responsible for the partner’s betrayal although they did have a role in creating the weakness inherent in their relationship. The low Conflict Intimacy in the relationship is the original weakness; however, the betraying partner chose on her own to externalize their negative and painful feelings and retaliate toward the other. Of course, the betrayed partner is not to blame for their pain; her feelings are their own responsibility.

Helping a Couple Become Invulnerable to an Infidelity of Anger

Much like with an Infidelity of Loneliness, after doing the difficult work to heal from the pain and trauma of the betrayal, the keys to making sure this never happens again center on the betraying partner overcoming her low Self-Intimacy and both of the partners developing greater Conflict Intimacy. The betraying partner must commit to work on growing one’s Self-Intimacy, in this case especially how they handle the emotions of hurt and disappointment, as well as anger. They have to develop their in-the-moment awareness of these emotions (ESA Exercise) and then practice talking with the partner constructively, in a non-blaming way about them (I-to-I Exercise). In addition, they must do the hard work necessary to identify and work through the pain and anger that has built up from their past. They must be willing to change their reflexes from those of individual survival to those of relationship survival. Only after they do these things will this partner be safe from being hijacked by their anger in the future. Only then, will the danger of their anger controlling them, and causing them to act out for revenge, be eliminated. The therapist also must work with the couple to develop Conflict Intimacy around past and present issues in the relationship. It is essential that the therapist challenge the couple to change its toxic communication style whether it is Hostile Dependent or the Conflict Avoidant style. This task is especially challenging for the betraying partner, who will reflexively see, interpret, or experience the betrayed partner’s words as attacking. Theymust learn to overrule their individual survival reflexes. The angry betraying partner will need the therapist’s close help to pull them back from withdrawing or attacking. The therapist is teaching this individual a new behavior – one of observing, suspending one’s views, and being empathetic while having separate though unrepresented or unvoiced thoughts and feelings in the moment. This is a challenging emotional and psychological task for this partner as well as for the betrayed partner. The therapist needs to be strong and clear in their thinking to be able to effectively understand what each partner needs in order to differentiate, self define, and be present. You, as the therapist, are teaching the partners how to deal with their differences as a team, not in an attacking, defensive way and not in an avoidant, minimizing or “brush it under the rug” way, but openly and constructively, with each taking responsibility for their own part in the problems and each expressing caring and regret for the pain caused to the partner. When the couple has achieved these things, anger will no longer have the power to hijack its Long-term Love Relationship by causing an Infidelity of Anger.

Summary of an Infidelity of Anger

• The individual is controlled by a distorted belief that relationships should fulfill all of one’s needs and that relationship disappointments are unacceptable.

• The individual is controlled by a belief that they have to protect themselves from disappointment.

• The individual’s beliefs about disappointment are rooted in early life as is their use of anger as “self-protection” (Insecure or Avoidant Attachment).

• These infidelities occur at any point in the relationship and they often are multiple in number.

• This partner often welcomes being caught as a means of “getting back” at their partner.

• Low Self-Intimacy and Low Conflict Intimacy are equal partners in fueling the infidelities.

Why Partners Do Not Betray

Before we explore infidelity treatment issues in more detail, we would like to say a few words about why many partners can be filled with feelings of fear, loneliness, or anger and not ever be unfaithful. In these cases, we see such partners present with some or all of the following factors in their psyche and/or history:

• A healthy level of Self-Intimacy

• A healthy level of Conflict Intimacy

• A significant level of empathy

• Infidelity did not occur in their parents’ marriage(s)

• A highly punitive Super Ego

• Secure Attachment history

Partners who do not engage in infidelity deserve to be proud of their adherence to the commitment they made to their partner, especially in today’s social environment where opportunities and seeming excuses to “have a fling” are so prevalent, and where commitments seem to be blithely made as well as broken. Therefore, infidelity certainly is not inevitable in troubled LTLRs. Neither does its absence mean that a couple has a good Long-term Love Relationship. However, the absence of infidelity in a couple coming in for therapy does remove the necessity of working through the profound level of emotional devastation and loss of trust that results from this type of betrayal. This enables the couple and its therapist to begin the work on the partners’ underlying structural relationship difficulties directly. Conversely, we have had numerous couples, particularly the betrayed partners, report to us that the infidelity that shattered their relationship ended up being a blessing in disguise. These partners assert that, without the betrayal, they believe they would have continued to tolerate the pain and the unhappiness with which the two of them had grown accustomed to living. They doubt they ever would have done the hard work of “fixing” their LTLR without the huge shock of infidelity. For these couples, something profoundly good came out of something profoundly bad. Now, let us get into a more detailed analysis of how we as therapists can help make that happen.

Treatment Issues and Strategies

Key Couples Therapy Basics

Working with couples that have initiated therapy in response to the discovery or revelation of infidelity is very delicate. It is therapy done within an extremely highly charged emotional environment. As such, it is especially important for the therapist to be well grounded in four basic precepts of couples therapy. First, as always in couples therapy, it is absolutely essential that the therapist work to avoid any experience of favoritism for either partner. Few things will cause a couple to drop out of therapy more quickly. Infidelity couples present with a built-in heightened danger of bias for the therapist; one partner, after all, is the betrayed and the other is the betrayer. One partner is the victim and the other is the perpetrator. Once partner is the good guy and the other is the bad guy. If the therapist gives any hint that this is the way the therapist sees it, the therapy is over before it begins. On the other hand, it is essential that the therapist clearly establishes at the outset in the therapy that the partner who engaged in infidelity is alone responsible for it and its damaging effects. It is a very fine line that the therapist must walk in these cases. We find that treating both partners with respect, separating what they have each done from who they each are, and looking for opportunities to give each of them honest positive and negative feedback enables us to align effectively with both partners. Also, very important for the therapist to remember is that, just as with any other couple, it is essential with infidelity couples to focus more on helping them with conflict process than with conflict resolution. Infidelity couples, like all couples, need our help the most in learning how to do conflict well – how to fight well. They are more than intelligent enough to come up with good solutions to their differences. Though it is seductive for the couples therapist to provide couples with “ingenious” answers to their problems, doing so does not serve them well in the long-term. Doing so does not equip them to be able to handle their next big issue. If we help them learn to wield the tools of healthy conflict process, they will be able to resolve issues on their own going forward. At the outset of infidelity couples therapy the couple, especially the betrayed partner, may need the therapist’s more direct involvement and guidance to help stabilize themselves and the situation. However, this does not last long before the couple is best served by the therapist bringing the focus on to conflict process. A related pitfall to be avoided is prematurely focusing on rekindling the feeling and expression of love and affection between partners. This is a common mistake but one that is especially counterproductive in infidelity couples therapy. As discussed in the sections on the Three Intimacies, for true long-term growth and change in LTLRs, it is necessary to make significant headway in working through the underlying causes of relationship distress first before addressing directly and fully how they feel and express their loving feelings. Date nights and roses are not the first order of business. Focusing at the outset on “loving well” with couples in trouble is like slapping a bandage on a gaping, infected wound. It might feel like help in the short-term but, in reality it is just covering over deeper problems that will only get worse. This is especially true in traumatized couples like infidelity couples. These couples especially need to be focused by their therapist on the work of building up their Self-Intimacy and their Conflict Intimacy or they will have no chance of their Affection Intimacy returning to life. The final basic couples therapy issue to address is the issue of the therapist’s own level of Long-term Love Relationship maturity. As with any type of guide, it is difficult for anyone to lead others where they have never been. The most effective couples therapists are those who, through their own personal work and LTLR experiences, have at times achieved at least Stage 3 in a LTLR. The intimacy maturity gained from this enables these therapists to truly show their clients the way to achieve this same personal and LTLR growth. It enables these therapists to be able to create a calm and safe environment to which couples bring their toxic conflicts. Without this, the therapist’s discomfort with a couple’s anger or rage will fatally hinder the work the couple needs to do. The therapist’s intimacy maturity and the extent to which they have worked through their own past LTLR wounds is especially called into play when working with infidelity couples. Since the primal emotions triggered by this most basic of betrayals are so strong and deep, and since most of us at one time or another during the course of our own romantic relationship history have experienced being unfaithful or a partner being unfaithful to us, transferential reactions can easily be produced. These, of course, are major impediments to the therapist’s ability to give the infidelity couple the help they so desperately need. Therefore, it is vital that therapists working with infidelity couples not only have journeyed to and actually reached at least Stage 3 at some time(s) in their LTLRs past or present, but that they have also worked through whatever infidelity experiences they have had. Otherwise, the therapist is setting up themselves, and the couple, to fall victim to the first basic couples therapy misstep we mentioned above – aligning themselves with one partner and against the other.

Early Infidelity Couples Therapy Treatment Issues

There are three major infidelity couples therapy tasks facing the therapist as they begin working with a new infidelity couple. They are:

1. Dealing with the betrayed partner’s devastation
2. Determining the betraying partner’s earnestness
3. LTLR and infidelity assessment

Dealing with the Devastation

Aside from basic history-taking and information-gathering on the part of the therapist, the first order of business in working with a couple coming in for therapy shortly after the discovery or revelation of infidelity is crisis management work. Before healing can take place, the therapist has to stop the bleeding, usually especially that of the betrayed partner. We call this “dealing with the devastation.” From the first minutes of the first session, the therapist intervenes in a number of ways to stop further deterioration in the LTLR and to establish a foundation of safety and healing for the therapy. There are a few distinct components of this initial work. Most immediate of these is the need to assist the partners, particularly the betrayed partner, deal with the devastating and often overwhelming emotions that they are feeling in response to the infidelity. Principle among these, of course, is profound hurt, sorrow, fear, and rage on the part of the betrayed partner. The betraying partner’s emotions, such as guilt and fear – though real – are not the focus of this initial crisis management work since it is the betrayed partner whose reality and heart have been shattered. From the initial session and for some time afterward, they are in dire need of assistance from the therapist in dealing with and managing the maelstrom of painful and hostile feelings and impulses swirling within them. Simply having the therapist hear their pain, disorientation, and devastation helps the betrayed partner. Validating all of the feelings that they are feeling is very important, as is normalizing their reaction. Assuring the betrayed partner that the breadth and strength of the emotions and thoughts that they are having are normal for someone going through what they are experiencing helps them bind their anxiety. It also enables them to begin to feel an inkling of normalcy after finding themselves flailing wildly about, adrift in what they used to “know” was their world, now turned upside down. Simultaneously, the therapist needs to assess the ego strength of the betrayed partner, particularly evaluating their ability to self soothe. Helping them to heighten their ability to self soothe during this agonizing time can be vital not only for their subjective experience but also in enabling them to have the strength to manage their pain and anger so that they can productively work in the couples therapy. It is also important to note that while empathizing with the devastation is important, it is also imperative that the therapist emphasize, with both partners, that each must express their feelings responsibly. Even though the betrayed partner’s deep hurt and rage are completely understandable and justified, that does not mean that they have any justification to express those strong emotions in destructive, hurtful ways. Threatening, punishing, shaming, and demeaning only serve to add to the damage and trauma, and will later result in guilt and regret. They are forms of seeking revenge and retaliation. We push clients to “lead with their best selves” as they share their pain, fear, anger and anguish in a way that is both respectful to self and the other. Doing early didactic work with the couple about infidelity in specific and about Long-term Love Relationships in general helps the partners begin to feel like they have a grasp on a situation that previously felt totally out of control and overwhelming. Teaching them about the Three Types of Infidelity helps them understand what happened and to see that they are not alone. It also helps the couple start to see a ray of hope, which is always one of the therapist’s most vital tasks to accomplish at the outset of therapy. Here the hope is first and foremost about each partner, especially the betrayed partner, believing that they will be able to heal and overcome this trauma. Coupled with this is each partner’s hope for their relationship’s healing and survival. So, very early in their therapy, usually beginning in the first session, one of the primary means by which the therapist begins to provide hope is by sharing with the couple the therapist's understanding of its situation within the context of the Three Types of Infidelity and the TRI Model of Long-term Love Relationships. For infidelity couples, in great pain, at war with each other, and filled with confusion, this demonstration of understanding, expertise, and clarity begins building hope that the couple can get past this. Of course, that hope is vital to both partners staying in and doing the difficult work of their infidelity couples therapy. That sort of therapy takes time, so it is also important for the therapist to let the couple know that typically infidelity couples therapy takes between six and 18 months to complete. The structure that this timeframe provides helps the couple accept that there are no quick fixes and that the commitment the partners are making is both a significant one but also one with a definite endpoint. Another task for the therapist during this initial crisis management stage is to inhibit destructive anger expression. Validating the betrayed partner’s rage is vital, but so is defining a clear line over which neither partner is allowed to go in expressing their anger. Teaching the couple the difference between standing up for oneself in expressing anger versus expressing anger in such a way so as to inflict pain on the other is one of the important early lessons of infidelity couples therapy, especially since such destructive anger expression reaches its excruciating worst in Infidelities of Anger. It is also important here that the therapist assess for suicidal and/or homicidal ideation; a large percentage of crimes of passion are the result of infidelity. Infidelity is such a profound betrayal and causes such deep hurt that the desire for retribution can become overpowering. The therapist must help the betrayed partner know that it is normal to feel this impulse for revenge; in helping them to verbally express and examine this desire, the therapist assists the client not to act on it. This is of particular consequence when children are involved. Impulsively using one’s children to get back at the betraying partner makes these innocents victims of betrayal as well. In fact, one of the other key aspects of the initial crisis management work of infidelity couples therapy is helping the partners resist the lure of making any impulsive decisions. The often-desperate desire to escape from the pain and anguish they are experiencing predisposes infidelity couple partners to want to take quick action. Their judgment is impaired by the powerful negative emotions that are clouding their minds. This is especially true of the betrayed partner. Helping that person to see that they have time to make important decisions before acting calms them, as does helping them to acknowledge that heir judgment isn’t as sound as it normally is. Therefore, we encourage these clients not to make hasty decisions or radical changes to their lives. Such changes may eventually need to be made, but they usually do not need to be made right away. These are some of the most common issues that arise in initially helping the infidelity couple – particularly the betrayed partner – deal with the shattering emotional effects of infidelity. Unless the therapist focuses right away on stabilizing the emotional turmoil that the betrayed partner is enduring, it is likely their hope for personal and relationship recovery will dim and that those negative emotions will come to control them, resulting in destructive acting out behavior. On the other hand, by working to stop the emotional bleeding, the therapist will enable the betrayed partner and the couple to gain the hope and strength necessary to do the work of healing the relationship.

Determining Earnestness

Another major issue that needs to be attended to very early in infidelity couples therapy is the threshold issue of earnestness. This is an issue that pertains particularly to the betraying partner. After being unfaithful, are they sincerely committed to their Long-term Love Relationship? Determining the answer to this question is one of the primary tasks of the couples therapist in the first few therapy sessions. It is a question that is understandably uppermost in the betrayed partner’s mind. In order to be able to take good care of oneself, they need to have it answered as soon as possible, even though they may not like the answer they get. Obviously, if the answer to this question is “no,” the therapist needs to change the focus of the therapy away from working to heal and rebuild the LTLR. Sometimes this situation arises when the betraying partner agrees to come in for couples therapy out of the guilt they are feeling for the terrible pain they have caused their partner and/or due to having betrayed not only their partner but their own moral code as well. Other times, the betraying partner agrees to couples therapy not out of a desire to repair their LTLR but as a delaying tactic to keep their options open and their partner’s wrath mollified while they figure out how best to get out of the relationship. However, we find that a majority of betraying partners who present with their spouses for infidelity couples therapy are in fact earnest in their desire to heal the LTLR. This, however, does not eliminate the need for the therapist to address this issue explicitly at the outset of therapy. Betrayed partners need this reassurance, and the therapist needs to clearly establish the motivations of the partners in determining how best to work with them. An earnest betraying partner is sad for the pain they have caused their partner, and angry and disappointed with themselves for causing such pain. They want to understand why they ended up betraying both the partner and themselves. They are motivated to rebuild the relationship to be stronger and to take an active role with their partner in making genuine forgiveness possible. How is this earnestness determined? In two main ways. First, the therapist needs to start assessing up front, beginning in the first session, if the betraying partner is able to explicitly, unequivocally and sincerely state both their total commitment to their partner and their LTLR, and state their interest in doing whatever they can to heal and rebuild that relationship. It is understood that this includes the assurance that his infidelity relationship or relationships are over. If the betraying partner has not ended those relationships, no real work to heal and rebuild the LTLR can take place, and the therapist runs the risk of the therapy becoming complicit in a continuing betrayal. If the betraying partner does not provide the partner with convincing statements and evidence that the infidelity is over, then it is probably best to suspend the couples therapy until such time as they do so. If the betraying partner does make clear their sincere commitment to the LTLR through verbal statements, the therapist needs to assess the earnestness of that commitment in the betraying partner’s actions. This is the second means of earnestness assessment. As mentioned above, the first test of this is whether the infidelity relationships have ended. Beyond that, however, the therapist needs to use the extent to which the betraying partner engages in the work of the therapy – the work of healing the LTLR – to determine if their earnestness is real or not. This work can be divided into three main areas of betraying partner behavior:

1. Expressions of regret and remorse
2. Trust building behaviors
3. Involvement in therapy

One sign of real commitment to the LTLR in the betraying partner is their willingness and desire to express regret and remorse for the betrayal and for how it has devastated one’s partner. If the willingness – to say nothing of the desire – to express these sincere emotions is not present or is minimally present, this is a clear sign that the betraying partner’s commitment to the relationship is tenuous at best. In order for real healing from the wound of infidelity to occur, such expressions of regret and remorse need to occur repeatedly and frequently over time. If true, deep regret and remorse are in fact felt by the betraying partner; such expression is not a problem and becomes clear early in the therapy. Of course, many, if not most, betraying partners at some point in the healing process find themselves feeling frustrated and impatient with their partner’s inability to “get over it already.” However, if the motivation to rebuild the LTLR is true, this partner is able to continue to accompany the wounded partner on their shared path to healing. Early signs of an unwillingness to repeatedly be the object of the partner’s expressions of hurt and rage, and to hesitate to respond to such episodes with repetitions of expressions of regret and remorse are a clear indication of a weak or insincere commitment to the LTLR. This is especially true when it occurs even after the therapist has attempted to assist the betraying partner to recognize the necessity of these behaviors yet he still fails to engage in them or only do so intermittently and resentfully. Likewise, early signs of an unwillingness to “bend over backwards” to do things to earn back trust is also an indicator of an insincere commitment to the LTLR on the part of the betraying partner. The betraying partner’s acts have shattered the trust of their partner. The way to rebuild that trust is also through their actions. They have to be willing to be completely transparent and disclosive of their day-to-day actions. Also, the betraying partner needs to be willing to be proactive in behaving in ways that are reassuring and trust inducing for their partner. Such trust-building actions are outlined in Janis Spring’s book, After the Affair (1996), and include both low-cost and high-cost behaviors. We often use Spring’s list with clients, and have also added to it. We have clients look over the list and use it to determine which types of behaviors to which the betrayed partner wants the other partner to agree. This list changes over time for the couple. From the outset of therapy, employing it can help the betrayed partner begin to feel there are demonstrable boundaries that help them begin to build trust and confidence in both self and partner. Examples of Trust building behaviors:

Low Cost Behaviors

• Limit your overnight travel.
• Tell me when you have any contact with your lover.
• Hold me and show understanding when I’m upset; don’t give up on me.
• Understand and accept that the betrayal will come up repeatedly.

High Cost Trust Building Behaviors

• Quit the club or group to which the other person belongs.
• Find another job or group of friends.
• Understand the antecedents to your betrayal and do whatever work you must do on yourself to make sure you will never be unfaithful to me again.
• Move to another town with me.

The unwillingness of the betraying partner to engage in any such trust building behaviors calls into serious question their commitment to the LTLR. Finally, the failure of the betraying partner to fully engage in the work of infidelity couples therapy is the other indicator of the lack of a commitment to the LTLR. Infidelity couples therapy is demanding for both partners. The therapist challenges each of them to grow, to be honest and open, to own their own weaknesses and mistakes, and to work on their relationship both in and outside the office. Often the therapist’s first sign that the betraying partner’s expressed commitment to the LTLR is not sincere or as strong as they espoused is when they repeatedly fail to really work in the therapy. This can manifest as a failure to open up emotionally, a failure to self-disclose sincerely, a failure to do assigned work between sessions, or to take other actions they committed not to take. The therapist must be watchful for such behavior and determine if it does indeed indicate a lack of earnest LTLR commitment or is a manifestation of resistance deriving from some other cause. If, as a result of any of these types of behavior taking place, the therapist comes to question the earnestness of the betraying partner’s commitment to the LTLR, they need to bring this issue up in the therapy to be discussed and, if necessary, acted upon. Such action includes one or both partners deciding to end the LTLR when it becomes clear that the betraying partner’s earnest commitment does not exist. Or the indicated action may be the betraying partner bringing their actions into alignment or congruence with their actual, heartfelt commitment to the relationship. Either way, this issue of the betraying partner’s earnestness needs to be dealt with explicitly. It is also important to mention here that sometimes the result of this explicit examination of betraying partner earnestness is the revelation that they are not certain whether they want to stay in the relationship. They express that they are not ready right then to end it, but also are not ready to commit to it long-term. In this case, the betrayed partner needs support hearing this from the partner and dealing with what it means for for them. For example, besides assisting the betrayed partner in handling and expressing the deep disappointment, hurt, fear and anger they experience in learning of their partner’s lack of commitment to them, it is important for the couple to know that hearing such motivational confusion on the betraying partner’s part is not necessarily a bad sign for the LTLR. Nor is it that unusual in couples that eventually do heal their relationships. We also stress to the betrayed partner that they need to determine and act upon what is best for themselves in response to hearing this uncertainty from their partner. For example, should they ask their partner to move out of the home, stay in the home but sleep in a separate bedroom, or ask for some other living arrangement? While the betraying partner may not be willing or able to agree with all the terms requested, the act of asking for and responding to what the betrayed partner needs in order to stand up for herself is an impactful beginning to the process of mutual self-defining and empowering that is so important in infidelity couples therapy. This is especially true for the betrayed partner who heretofore had been feeling so powerless as the victim of infidelity. Often in these cases of betraying partner commitment uncertainty, the betrayed partner will vacillate between being desperate to maintain the relationship (often at any cost), wanting to end the relationship to escape from the intense pain, and wanting to stay immersed in the hurt and anger as a form of self-protection. It is the clinician’s job here to assist the betrayed partner to not act impulsively and to not allow the deficiency motivations (Maslow, 1968) of their fear or anger to control their decisions and actions. There is one last point we would like to make regarding this issue of ascertaining the betraying partner’s sincere motivations. Reflective of the heuristic power of the TRI theoretical Model of LTLRs, the TRI way to look at the important infidelity couples therapy issue of the betraying partner’s earnestness in their commitment to the LTLR is to see it as a question of whether any of the Three Deal Breakers applies to themselves. If any of the Three Deal Breakers does apply to the betraying partner, they will not be able to make or maintain an earnest commitment to the LTLR. Most often, the Deal Breakers involved here within the betraying partner are either the Second (“Love has died”) or the Third (“Won’t take responsibility”). The therapist must be very careful in concluding that the Second Deal applies. Quite often, infidelity couples partners, especially betraying partners, come into therapy no longer able to feel their love for their partner and they thereby conclude that their love is dead. Nevertheless, we have learned from these couples that frequently their love is not dead. It is just covered over, buried under a mountain of pain and resentment. If the couple is able to move that mountain, work through the negative feelings in therapy, it often finds the love coming back to life. Just as frequent when the betraying partner is unable to make an earnest commitment are the cases in which the Third Deal Breaker is the cause of this failure. If the betraying partner is unwilling to own their part in the LTLR problems, to take responsibility for the infidelity and to do the work necessary on themselves to become what Winnicott might have called a “good enough” partner, they will soon run from the LTLR rather than make an earnest commitment to it. With these infidelity couples, working on having a good divorce, rather than working on having a good marriage, is indicated. However, the pain, guilt, and actuality of coming face-to-face with the very real possibility that the betrayed partner is going to bring their Long-term Love Relationship to an end causes such a Third Deal Breaker betraying partner to change their stance – they truly own and sincerely work on their weaknesses and mistakes. For some betraying partners, this is a transformative event; for the first time in their lives, they genuinely take responsibility for their choices and actions. In these instances, the frightening and painful prospect of their partner ending their LTLR is great enough to cause them, to stop running and face their demons. Only then do they have a chance to defeat those demons. Only then will they have a chance of fashioning a healthy, enduring Long-term Love Relationship with their partner.

LTLR and Infidelity Assessment

The last major task for the TRI therapist in the early phase of infidelity couples therapy is the assessment of both the Long-term Love Relationship and the infidelity. As in any type of psychotherapy, incisive initial evaluation is vital to effective treatment. In addressing the betraying partner’s earnestness and the betrayed partner’s devastation, we have already dealt with certain initial evaluative issues. One of the strengths of the TRI approach is that it provides a strong heuristic framework that the therapist can use to get a clear picture of the couple’s relationship and of the infidelity. This enables the therapist to see where the couple is stuck in the LTLR developmental process, what the couple’s intimacy strengths and weaknesses are as defined by the Three Intimacies, and what kind of infidelity has occurred. All this information gives the therapist the data they need to have a clear understanding of why the infidelity occurred and what work the couple needs to do to heal their LTLR in the short-term and rebuild it so it will flourish for the long-term. To assess the couple’s Long-term Love Relationship, the TRI therapist uses the two main TRI LTLR constructs: the Developmental Model of Long-term Love Relationships and the Three Intimacies. Determining where an infidelity couple is developmentally is usually quite simple since the vast majority of infidelity couples are stuck at the same point in the developmental process: Soured Symbiosis. Though couples take varying routes to get there, almost all couples presenting for infidelity couples therapy have become arrested in Soured Symbiosis, unable to grow into the Differentiation Stage. Some have regressed from Differentiation to Soured Symbiosis due to a failure to deal well with major stressors, but most infidelity couples have never been able to mature past Soured Symbiosis. The couple has never been able to navigate through the Scylla and Charybdis of Conflict Avoidance and Hostile Dependence to reach Conflict Intimacy. The key question, then, for the TRI therapist is to determine which of the two maladaptive conflict styles the couple uses when dealing with differences. Further, the therapist needs to look at each partner’s conflict process tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses. This leads to the other major area of initial infidelity couple diagnostic assessment, the Three Intimacies. Determining where the couple and where each partner is in each of the Three Intimacies provides the TRI therapist with a clear picture of the structure of the LTLR and its weaknesses and strengths. This powerful information gives the TRI therapist the lion’s share of what they need to know to fashion a treatment plan for the couple. First in this process is the assessment of each partner’s level of Self-Intimacy. A useful way to approach this assessment process is to use the three questions of the Emotional Self Awareness Exercise to identify three relevant SI variables. That is, how strong is each partner’s ability to be consciously aware of and identify their own emotions (Question #1), how much insight does each have into the causes of their own emotions (Question #2), and how strong they are in taking constructive action to stand up for their own feelings, rights or needs (Question #3)? Since we know that Self-Intimacy forms the most basic foundational layer upon which LTLR intimacy rests, identifying each partner’s SI strengths and weaknesses is essential in enabling the therapist to determine what therapy work needs to be done later by each partner. Ascertaining which conflict process style the couple engages in – Conflict Avoidance, Hostile Dependence or cycling between the two hybrid styles – has a major impact on TRI infidelity couples therapy work. As referenced earlier, a great deal of the actual therapy work session after session with these couples is work in the I-to-I format developing Conflict Intimacy. To be effective in helping the couple with this work, it is essential that the therapist have a clear understanding of their conflict process style and each partner’s conflict process strengths and weaknesses. These strengths and weaknesses become quite clear to the TRI therapist once each partner has been placed in both the Initiator and the Inquirer roles of the I-to-I Exercise within the first few sessions of their infidelity couples therapy. Lastly, assessing the couple’s Affection Intimacy is important in completing the picture of its LTLR’s structure. Though Affection Intimacy work is not focused on early in infidelity couples therapy, determining the strengths and weaknesses of an infidelity couple’s AI often speaks volumes about how the partners got into the painful straits in which they find themselves. Here the key for the therapist is to assess each partner’s ability and tendency within the LTLR to both give and receive the four types of Affection Intimacy: Verbal, Actions, Non-Sexual Physical, and Sexual Affection Intimacy. Getting a clear view from the couple of how its AI progressed over time in the LTLR is useful, because the TRI therapist isn’t only looking at post-infidelity revelation AI functioning but also at past AI functioning. Early LTLR AI functioning gives the therapist an idea of AI capabilities. This can be used to eventually help the couple build upon after the partners have done a good deal of healing work and Conflict Intimacy work. Concurrent to the assessment of the couple’s Long-term Love Relationship, it is essential that the therapist determine the type of infidelity that has occurred. Knowing which type of infidelity took place gives invaluable information to the therapist. As discussed earlier, determining whether the betraying partner’s infidelity was one of Fear, of Loneliness, or of Anger is essential to the identification of the main weaknesses in the LTLR. This then informs the therapist’s insight into what therapy work the couple needs to focus on to restructure and rebuild its LTLR so that the fertile ground upon which infidelity grows is never again present within the couple’s relationship.

Healing for the Long-Term: Rebuilding the LTLR’s Intimacy Structure

Once the early infidelity couples therapy work of attending to the betrayed partner’s devastation has begun, the betraying partner’s earnest commitment to the LTLR has been established and hopefully affirmed, and the initial assessment of the LTLR and of the type of infidelity has been accomplished, the work of rebuilding the LTLR’s intimacy structure needs to commence. This work is defined by two major, related goals: significantly increasing Three Intimacies functioning, and reestablishing trust as a given in the LTLR. The accomplishment of these two therapy goals results in the creation of a Long-term Love Relationship that is so strong in its intimacy that it is affair-proof. The paths to achieving these two longer-term infidelity therapy goals are intertwined. Reestablishing a high level of trust in the LTLR is enabled by a combination of growth in the Three Intimacies in the relationship over time as well as by the consistent integrity and trustworthy behavior of the betraying partner over time. Besides reinforcing the importance of the betraying partner’s transparency in all their actions, the central role of the couples therapist in the mid-phase of therapy with infidelity couples is to keep the focus of the work on increasing the Three Intimacies functioning, both as individual partners and as a couple. Every partner and every couple is different, but all partners and couples in this type therapy need to be challenged to increase their Self-Intimacy and their Conflict Intimacy early in therapy. The ESA Exercise and the I-to-I Exercise are the main tools that we use for this. Most therapy sessions at least partially consist of I-to-I Exercise time. Once the couple attains a fair degree of facility at the I-to-I Exercise, it is important to have them practice it at home between sessions. That is the point when we often see couples really start to progress rapidly in rebuilding the LTLR. Taking the I-to-I home and bringing it into their day-to-day lives is transformative both in creating greater intimacy and in catalyzing growth in trust. Along with keeping them focused on the I-to-I and on ESA work, a major focus of the SI work we do with these infidelity couples is on increasing their ability to self-comfort. Self-comfort is defined as the individual’s capacity to bring ease to oneself when experiencing tension, fear, or perceived emotional threats to one’s sense of self. Self-comfort skills ease the individual’s sense of threat. They help the person ease their emotional reactivity so that they can continue to think, decide, and respond rather than reflexively react. In this regard, self-comforting increases the chance that at least one of the partners is able to manage their reactivity so that the easing of relationship pain may occur. Self-Comforting skills include self-talk; using the Emotional Self Awareness exercise; sharing one’s experience with the partner; reminding oneself, “It’s not about me;” and allowing one’s partner their separate experiences and pain. Self-Comfort can also include taking a time out. The therapist needs to encourage clients to practice self-comfort because in the face of pain – especially the devastating pain of betrayal – emotional regression occurs and limits the individual’s ability to help themselves. For the betraying partner, self-comfort is needed when they want their partner to stop talking about the pain they caused. Self-comfort is needed when they think the partner should be over the infidelity by now. Self-comfort is needed when they want to believe that the partner mostly brings up the infidelity to shame them. Wanting the pain to stop and not wanting to experience your part in causing it is normal, but for the couple to really heal, the partners must each allow the other to express feelings as needed. This does not mean bringing up feelings to control the partner but talking about them earnestly and stating what the person needs while recognizing the partner may not be able to give them that. Part of the betraying partner’s work is to hear the pain they have caused and respect their partner’s feelings. Self-comforting in that situation might be to assure oneself that what is happening is healthy and necessary, even though it is very uncomfortable. At the beginning of infidelity couples therapy, the therapist helps the couple in their struggle to speak constructively to each other about the infidelity. This is about catharsis, trust, and insight. As the therapy progresses, the focus needs to move from the infidelity relationship to the Long-term Love Relationship. The weaknesses of the LTLR are exposed and the tools to shore up those weaknesses need to be placed in the couple’s hands, session after session. Only when the partners’ facility at wielding the tools of Self-Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy is greatly enhanced does their LTLR have a chance of flourishing. A sure sign that this is happening is when affectional feelings begin to reemerge. As discussed earlier, when the dark side of a couple’s passion (CI) begins to be openly wrestled with and worked through, the light side of their passion (AI) will begin to thrive. When the infidelity couple has made substantial progress in growing their SI and CI, the therapist considers starting to work with them on their Affection Intimacy. Helping the partners to assess the AI structure of their relationship is useful here. The therapist can have each partner rate both themselves and the other partner in the four types of AI. Having them share their ratings with each other and talk about them can be very powerful. Often partners are completely unaware of which of the four types of AI is most meaningful to the partner and which most makes them feel loved and important. So helping them to draw this type of AI map of their LTLR can be very impactful, helping them learn where they need to make extra AI efforts. Assigning AI homework can be useful in this process. It is important to note that, as in therapy with other trauma cases, anniversary dates and holidays can be particularly difficult for infidelity couples. The anniversary of when the betrayed partner learned of the infidelity is particularly painful for them and causes regression, as do anniversaries of other dates associated in their mind with the betrayal. We talk with the couples about the likelihood of reemergence of pain and conflict around these dates so that both partners can be prepared and not read too much into the regression, and so they can assist each other through these tough times. Another therapeutic finding is that some betrayed partners will have a harder time putting the infidelity in a different perspective with time. We have found that this often occurs with clients who have had insecure or avoidant attachments. In these cases, it is helpful to discuss with both clients how the individual’s history hampers the ability to trust again. Working with the couple and focusing in the session with the betrayed partner on discussing their fears and history is helpful. Sometimes some individual sessions can be useful as well.

Closing Comments

Infidelity couples therapy ends either when one or both partners precipitously drops out of the therapy due to one of the Three Deal Breakers, or when due to the hard work they have done with their therapist’s guidance, both partners feel safe with each other, happy together, and renewed in their commitment to their Long-term Love Relationship. Those latter couples succeed through a healing process of putting the infidelity and its shattering, devastating effects securely in the past. Of course, that does not mean that fears, hurts, disappointments, and regressions won’t still happen at times, but the partners who have truly rebuilt their LTLR in infidelity couples therapy will have the tools and the strength to weather those storms. Never again will they allow those cloud banks to build into a devastating tempest that can lead to infidelity. When a couple heals and rebuilds their Long-term Love Relationship in this way, it is truly wonderful for the couple that came into therapy so anguished and leave it so intimate and loving. And it is profoundly satisfying for the therapist.

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